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    The in-laws...

    My husband and I were in his home town last week. About a 4 hour drive from our house.
    I packed the car, got to his dads, unpacked the car, packed the next morning to got to lodge for wedding. Unpacked the car at lodge, packed the car to go back to his dads, unpacked the car. Packed the car to go home and unpacked the car...
    So it seems very strange to me that his family does not help me AT ALL when we go for a visit. They dont help with my husband or anything.
    I am very confused by this!!! I dont understand!!! My family, thank GOD is alway helpful with what ever we need but I try not to burden them to often.
    Just wondering if anyone else has these experiences???
    Also my husband is bed bound due to a pressure sore. This morning I called his parents to have them call and check on him. I think this is so weird. They only call if I call to let them know they should.
    Hum???

    #2
    I've missed the story on your husbands injury, obviously. There must be other physical problems with him besides the t4 sci. If this is all that is wrong with him, he should be helping with everything. He shouldn't require help at almost anything.

    As far as in-laws, they must be a bunch of plugs, to be blunt .And I'd be quick to let them know, if this keeps up. I guess some folks can stand around and watch a woman slave away, not in my make-up. I'd call them on it. Ask them if they really care about, or even if they love their son. Might have a big indicator here of why he is feeling 'needy', alone and depressed and don't won't you outta his sight (generalization from another thread, hope you get what I'm trying to say). If they showed this quality of love raising him, no wonder he fears abandonment and has no coping skills/drive.

    I HATE seeing relationship troubles, especially when sci intervenes and is the source. Once again, get him reading here in the forums if you want to get him help. I'm just a hillbilly but I think this site is WAY more valuable than any 'therapist' you might pay to see. Not some overpaid busybody who should have studied a more useful trade. Here you will find real people PRACTICING the fine art of living with sci. And who share FREELY their solutions to life's problems. They have a vested interest here, they CARE. Ya can't say that about 'pros' , when the money dries up, so does the advice.


    Careful with pressure sores, lotta info here on that also.

    https://www.facebook.com/john.baxter.1213986

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      #3
      Thanks for your input. So you seem very indepentant? Sometimes I wonder if having me around keeps him from doing all that he can.
      He has had a pressure sore on his butt and has been in bed for a week. When I ask him if he put the cream on it the answer is always no. Seems like he is always waiting for me to do it.
      He had a bowel accident last night and calls me in when he is in the shower to make sure he gets his butt clean enough.
      I feel like he I hold him back in some ways???

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        #4
        I'm t4 and independent living on my own.

        Your hubby might need some help taking care of his pressure sore, but everything else let him do it on his own. Its the only way he's going to learn.

        Yep, his parents are a bunch of plugs (lol). Maybe you should address them about this.
        Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

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          #5
          Your husband, at T4 should be completely independent with his own care.
          You may mean well and trying to be helpful and supportive of him, but you are enabling him - enabling his dependence, and enabling a lack of drive and motivation to do things he is capable of doing himself. He waits for you to do it, because you will do it for him.

          It isn't so much about having you around (because why shouldn't you be, as wife and mom, unless there's a reason not to be or you rather not be), it is more about your relationship and communication, and understanding what his abilities and capabilities are, and what roles (eg. husband, wife, caregiver) you both choose (or have resigned) to have.

          As far as in-laws, it's hard to say much from what you've posted, other than maybe they just know (just like your husband) that you will just end up taking care of things, and/or they just don't feel your husband needs as much as you think/feel he needs.

          Given previous threads, there may be more than just the sci issues you're having to deal with and having issues with. Have things improved in any way as far as how your feeling about this and your stress?

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            #6
            Do you think maybe they assume that if you need help, you will ask for it, and that it is better to just stay out of your way? I have found that some of my friends are that way because they assume that I have the process streamlined, and by helping they would just get in the way. That doesn't mean that I am saying they shouldn't offer!!

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              #7
              make his ass help u, i function around c6 an im completely ind. i also help my wife do everything besides change light bulbs, lol.

              as for checking his ass for debree, theres nothing wrong w/ that. its a partnership 50/50.
              Bike-on.com rep
              John@bike-on.com
              c4/5 inc funtioning c6. 28 yrs post.
              sponsored handcycle racer

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                #8
                I just don't understand ppl that don't strive for independence. I don't really think I'm judging-in all honesty, I can't wrap my brain around it.

                I'd probably schedule a trip out of town with the girls. Make sure all food is on the bottom shelf of the frig and go. If your presence and aid is holding him back (it seems clear to me it is, but jmo) then I'd make sure nothing is life threatening and remove my presence. You don't want to do this while he is staying off a sore, of course. Although even there, given a laptop, an ice chest, cath supplies etc., he could survive a weekend.

                If he only knew how much a quad would give for his abilities...that is the tragedy. He's wasting what others would give a limb to have.

                Re the family, I'd probably holler. Although I don't do it on my own behalf. I think ppl are nervous to offer hep. I have trouble w/ buffet meals, am always happy when my stepmom's 92 yr old mother attends. Vada offers to carry my plate. My stepmom, the nurse, never has. She also gets mad if I don't want to do county fairs and such due to the heat.

                But if it were about someone besides myself, I'd say "Yo! You reckon that log really needs another bump, or can you help me with a suitcase here?"

                Why doesn't your husband say something to them?
                Last edited by betheny; 23 Jun 2009, 10:14 PM.
                Blog:
                Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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                  #9
                  Thanks for all of your imput. Maybe I will ask for help. My family is just so good at helping without me asking.We dont go there much so I think I will just lower my expectation.
                  Things are getting better. We had a rough couple of weeks. The bowel program is still a disaster and out of control, that is what brings us down the most.

                  I ran into a friend on Sunday (we have a law suit pending... forever) but we were talking and she said to me, about the law suit, "they should pay, they ruined his life and yours." Then a co worker said the same thing to me today about our lives being ruined.
                  I know I felt like it was ruined a couple of weeks ago for a couple of days. If he could get his bowel program under control I can see that our life could be realy good.
                  I am sad that others look at us and tell me that our lives are ruined. What do they all see in us?

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                    #10
                    They probably see the anger...they see your helplessness...see you are overwhelmed...are tired and overworked...and most of all they see your sadness...what makes me such a know it all? Been there/done that...and working daily on all the above so ...you will have good days newbee...and some not so good...rejoice in the good ones...believe it or not things will get better, really they will...I wish I could tell ya when...everyone might have one of those A HA moments maybe, I don't know...you have that moment where you finally realize you are either gonna sink or swim and your life changes direction...you "get" where you are going and make the very best of a rotten situation...listen to the advise you have been given...it has been given by some of cc best!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by newbee View Post
                      I am sad that others look at us and tell me that our lives are ruined. What do they all see in us?
                      I'm always stumped about what to say to people who make those sort of comments .... I usually go into a brief response about " well ... we really only have 2 choices and I'm only doing what anyone would do ..... yada yada yada " .... the truth is we we scare the shit out of people because there but for the grace of god go "them" .. I remember being on that side and I'm ashamed of myself for some of the thoughts I used to have back then ... they really just don't know what to say and some days we're more emotionally fragile than others .... some days I feel so strong and others I'm a puddle ... it's not really their fault they can't read our minds ....

                      Bottom line when you need help ask .... it's a sign of strength remember that ... everything will get easier and more routine with time ... sure wish we could get that bowel routine figured out for you ... once that happens .. everything else will be gravy.
                      My problem with family is not that they don't offer to help .. oh they're all about helping... its that they do and then when the need arises they can't seem to find the time ... its hard always working around someone else's schedule ... cause when you need the help now you need the help now ... I usually quit asking and just figure it out myself .. or pay someone to do it ..... I've also just learned to just let some stuff go .....

                      Adjusting to a new reality takes time .... keep talking we'll help you get 'er done!!

                      Obieone
                      Last edited by Obieone; 25 Jun 2009, 2:34 PM.
                      ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


                      " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
                      Jane Siberry

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                        #12
                        Thanks everone for your insite! You all have helped me through so much, I dont know what I would do with out this forum!

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                          #13
                          I've got to say the idea of complete independence is a myth. I'm T9 and do most thing for myself. Still, there are tons of things I can't do or that are so difficult and time consuming I don't do. My husband helps alot. That said, we still maintain a balance of labor. I have taken over all of the tasks that are practical for me to do and he does the stuff that is not practical. When I was new to SCI my husband wanted to do everything for me. That was not healthy for either of us. Your husband needs to do all of the things that are reasonable for him so that you are free to help him with the things that aren't. He is going to have to start doing some of the things you used to do so you can pick up some of his old jobs. So, I'm not independent of my husband and he isn't independent of me. We are mutually dependent and mutually supportive of eachother. Your husband will be much happier when he starts doing his fair share of the work (and have his fair share of the play) Help him get there.

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                            #14
                            Newbee, right after my injury my family was there for me all the time. They were always doing things for me and it came to the point where I just relied on them for everything and didn't even think about what I could do for myself. When I finally realized that I could do a lot more then I thought I could, I started doing more. I think the biggest turning point was when I was able to drive again (does your husband drive?). I didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up anymore and I could get out of the house and drive around whenever I wanted to. When I was driving, I felt normal because no one could see that I was in a wheelchair. After about a year & a half I had an opportunity to take a job 800 miles from my family & friends. I was at the point where I needed to prove to myself that I could do this on my own, so I took the job and move away. I was on my own with no family or friends and had a job that I loved. I proved to myself that I could do this on my own and I didn't have to rely on other people for help. After about 10 years, I have moved back to my home town and I am living on my own with a good job. My family & friends understand that I don't need them to help me do everything and life is as normal as I think it can be when living in a wheelchair. My family & friends do help out when I "ask" for help and they offer some times when I don't ask, which is okay also.
                            I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to let your husband be a man and not a child. You might have to ask him if he can try doing things on his own without your help. You might have to say something like, am I your wife or your caregiver? He needs to be a man and do what he can on his own. He might be use to you doing everything for him, so he might not even think about doing anything on his own because he has you there to do it for him. You said your husband has a bedsore he is dealing with now, so I don't know if now is the time to start doing this, but just try to be his wife when he is able to do things for his self. If he looks like he is having a hard time doing something, then just let him finish, don't jump in after he has started to do something, let him go as far as he can & see if he ask for help or if he wants to finish it, even if it takes 10 times as long as it would if you did it for him. I also hope you don't do everything for him because you want him to think that he needs you and he wouldn't be able to do it without you. It's kind of the same thing as when a husband belittles his wife so she thinks he's the best she will ever have and no one else wants her.
                            I'm not trying to be a prick, I'm just trying to shed some insight on what he might be going through.
                            Of course I could be way off and not even be close to what's going on in your life. Sorry if I am.
                            Hope I suggested a couple of things that might help or you realized something you didn't think about.

                            Good luck and take care of yourself, Dan

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                              #15
                              Maybe I don´t see the whole picture here, but ask for what help? They don´t call unless you ask them to, you go to their house and they don´t help or even suggest asking if you need help. I would simply consider not visiting them for a while. Let them come to your house for a time or two.
                              T6 complete (or so I think), SCI since September 21, 2003

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