Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

It's uplifting!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    #16
    I was injured a week before I turned 25 and although having children wasn't in my immediate plans at the time, it was something that both my partner and I were really looking forward to.A few years down the road, when we were both done school was what I thought.

    When I was first injured I just automatically assumed that made it physically impossible for me to carry and give birth to a child. I am not sure why I thought that because I had no basis for that conclusion. Nobody (parents, doctors, nurses) had come right out and said to me "You can never have children now." And I never asked because I guess I just had the thought already established in my head. I actually think it was here on care cure that I first learned that it was still possible

    When I found this out, I was really happy. I even let my mind wander ahead to a future with children. But the reality of my health, day to day care needs, and being as physically dependant as I am really makes me realize that its not going to happen for me. And that makes me incredibly sad. I try to reframe it in ways that won't hurt as much. I tell myself you can't lose something that you never had in the first place. But the truth is, children of my own is one more thing this injury took away from me. I really wanted to be somebody's mother.

    I guess this doesn't really fit the topic of "spinal cord injuries and parenting." But I don't agree with Piano Dave. I don't think a spinal cord injury should deter anybody from becoming a parent. If there was anyway at all I could do it, I would.
    Last edited by orangejello; 11 Sep 2008, 10:33 AM.

    Comment


      #17
      Originally posted by pianodave
      Hi Wise,

      I don't have an issue with people with SCI being parents, but I do think it's really too much to handle. Unless you've been planning it for a long time, and have the resources to make it work, it's probably not a good idea.

      Of course, many people don't realize this until it's too late. I think the most important qualification for SCI parenthood is to have a lot of experience living with your SCI. If you have your routines established and your issues under control, you can devote the time and energy necessary to be a successful parent.

      Still, I was always under the impression that after SCI, you should really focus on yourself and your own needs, rather than bringing someone else into the picture. It seems even more important after a life-changing injury. But I just stare in wonderment and admiration at those people strong enough to take everything on all at once.
      OK, I am a low para but I have three. Two of them are adults now, 26 and 23, and the small one is 12. I have even been a single mother nearly all the time and have not have any help before the last years. Of course, I wish I had more time to take care of myself but I don't regret them. And the children have never taken care of me, not even the big ones come and help me, only if it is emergency. My daughter is a nurse so I can ask her for advice, that's nice. But I have 14 hours of PA in the week because I have fatigue and a child because it is important for me to not be a burden to my children.
      TH 12, 43 years post

      Comment


        #18
        Originally posted by orangejello
        But the truth is, children of my own is one more thing this injury took away from me. I really wanted to be somebody's mother.

        I guess this doesn't really fit the topic of "spinal cord injuries and parenting." But I don't agree with Piano Dave. I don't think a spinal cord injury should deter anybody from becoming a parent. If there was anyway at all I could do it, I would.
        Quote Wise Young: "I have several good friends who are respirator dependent. Two of them have children. I don't think that any of them regret it at all. On the other hand, I suspect that they all had some trepidations before they did it."

        Give it time OJ, the health issues will become less and less frequent and life will settle into a rhythm, reach this point and then think again about becoming somebody's mother.

        Comment


          #19
          Originally posted by orangejello
          I guess this doesn't really fit the topic of "spinal cord injuries and parenting." But I don't agree with Piano Dave. I don't think a spinal cord injury should deter anybody from becoming a parent. If there was anyway at all I could do it, I would.

          I see what you're saying orangejello. It just seems counter-intuitive that after all this, you still want to take on an even bigger responsibility.

          Yes, I understand, parenthood is for some the highest ambition, and more power to you if you think it's worth fighting for.

          But it isn't to me a matter of deterrence. It's a question of looking out for number one. If you don't focus on your own needs, no one is going to focus on them for you.

          Call it selfish if you want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be selfish and happy. No one will begrudge me that right, especially after a life-changing injury.

          What do you think?
          "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

          Comment


            #20
            i read orangejello's comments with a heavy heart.

            my 4 kids provide me with a tremendous amount of 'will to persevere'.

            i agree with previous poster re: not burdening them with day to day issues.

            i get up @5am to do my bowels, etc so they are none the wiser.

            i'm coming to learn that this state of existence would be so much harder for me without their love in my life, so i tend to 'wish' kids on people, for my own selfish reasons, i guess, especially if they want them!
            "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it." - Edgar Allen Poe

            "If you only know your side of an issue, you know nothing." -John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

            Comment


              #21
              Originally posted by pianodave
              I see what you're saying orangejello. It just seems counter-intuitive that after all this, you still want to take on an even bigger responsibility.

              Yes, I understand, parenthood is for some the highest ambition, and more power to you if you think it's worth fighting for.

              But it isn't to me a matter of deterrence. It's a question of looking out for number one. If you don't focus on your own needs, no one is going to focus on them for you.

              Call it selfish if you want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be selfish and happy. No one will begrudge me that right, especially after a life-changing injury.

              What do you think?
              lol what do I think about what?

              I think people chose not have kids for all kinds of reasons. I don't consider it a selfish decision, regardless of whatever reason why that choice is made (career, travel, disability). It's a personal decision that can only be made by those directly involved.

              But I also think that a reason like a disability should not deter someone from having children if that is what they really want. Bringing any child into the world is fraught with risks and many different variables. A child brings big changes to any household and even able bodied parents have to compromise and find new ways of doing things. I think if someone has the will, they will find a way to make it work as a parent with a disability.

              But all your comments, I am guessing, are geared at the notion of having a child post-injury. What about those who have children before they are hurt? They find ways to make it work. So it makes sense to me that if these parents can, so can those who have children post-injury.

              I don't think that parenthood was ever my "highest ambition." At least it wasn't in my early 20s. But yes it was something that I thought about and knew I wanted for myself eventually. And for many, parenthood is a very important to them. I don't think that desire or goal needs to be automatically disgarded just because of a spinal cord injury.

              I see what you're saying orangejello. It just seems counter-intuitive that after all this, you still want to take on an even bigger responsibility.
              I am not sure what you see as counter-intuitive about it. Taking on more responsibility would be my choice in order to achieve something I want, which is a child. We all have to decide how much we are willing to give up (or take on) for anything we want. If it was something that meant a great deal to me, and a child does, I would be willing to take on whatever I had to.

              I guess it just comes down to different priorities maybe? It's not wrong to not want to have children, I think. Nor is it wrong to want to have them if you have a disability. Awkwardly worded but that's my opinion.
              Last edited by orangejello; 11 Sep 2008, 4:07 PM.

              Comment


                #22
                Originally posted by Timaru
                Quote Wise Young: "I have several good friends who are respirator dependent. Two of them have children. I don't think that any of them regret it at all. On the other hand, I suspect that they all had some trepidations before they did it."

                Give it time OJ, the health issues will become less and less frequent and life will settle into a rhythm, reach this point and then think again about becoming somebody's mother.
                thanks timaru

                Comment


                  #23
                  Originally posted by pianodave
                  Hi Wise,

                  I don't have an issue with people with SCI being parents, but I do think it's really too much to handle. Unless you've been planning it for a long time, and have the resources to make it work, it's probably not a good idea.

                  Of course, many people don't realize this until it's too late. I think the most important qualification for SCI parenthood is to have a lot of experience living with your SCI. If you have your routines established and your issues under control, you can devote the time and energy necessary to be a successful parent.

                  Still, I was always under the impression that after SCI, you should really focus on yourself and your own needs, rather than bringing someone else into the picture. It seems even more important after a life-changing injury. But I just stare in wonderment and admiration at those people strong enough to take everything on all at once.
                  Hmmmm. I agree that anyone SCI or AB needs to plan children and have the resources to make it work. At the same time I think that as a stay-at-home mom of 2 kids with a stay-at-home hubby and good family support, my life is easier to handle then that of my best friend who struggles financially, has a step-daughter, 2 young boys and another baby due this month. So being SCI precludes/excludes nothing.
                  My kids are completely aware of cathing, BP, shitting myself, falling, etc. Like it or not it's part of my life and knowing about it develops empathy/understanding. Was kinda awkward tryingg to explain what lube is for and why I need it but better for her to know what its for than to think it was bum-paste (what she thought it was, like tooth-paste for my bum lol).

                  having kids post-sci has been the best thing that happened to me. they are a joy, a blessing, great physio/ot, and a reason to strive to be the best person i can be in spite of SCI.

                  anyone who chooses not to have kids soley because of their sci is doing themselves a great disservice.
                  Emily, C-8 sensory incomplete mom to a 8 year old and a preschooler. TEN! years post.

                  Comment


                    #24
                    plus - they're cute
                    Emily, C-8 sensory incomplete mom to a 8 year old and a preschooler. TEN! years post.

                    Comment


                      #25
                      and OJ, don't count kids out. I know you are much more dependent than me but I can see that you have great family support and am 100% sure that you would be capable of being a great mom.
                      Emily, C-8 sensory incomplete mom to a 8 year old and a preschooler. TEN! years post.

                      Comment


                        #26
                        Originally posted by orangejello
                        .

                        I guess it just comes down to different priorities maybe? It's not wrong to not want to have children, I think. Nor is it wrong to want to have them if you have a disability. Awkwardly worded but that's my opinion.

                        Well said, orange. Priorities are different for everybody. I just don't want people to neglect themselves. I'm not AGAINST kids as much as I am FOR people living their life to the fullest. And, as kids are a gigantic responsibility, I question whether post SCI it is indeed a smart choice.

                        But obviously the proof is in the success stories of post-SCI parents, so don't let me deter anyone.
                        "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

                        Comment


                          #27
                          Originally posted by pianodave
                          But it isn't to me a matter of deterrence. It's a question of looking out for number one. If you don't focus on your own needs, no one is going to focus on them for you.

                          Call it selfish if you want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be selfish and happy. No one will begrudge me that right, especially after a life-changing injury.

                          What do you think?
                          In no way do I begrudge you that right. THis is your decision, and you have every right to feel that way, please don;t take what I am saying as argumentative. I am not trying to imply that you are wrong. I just want it clear that yours isn;t the only right answer either.

                          But the whole looking out for number one bit. Sci, ab, whatever. It ain;t going to happen all the time anymore if you have kids. So while I think it is important to get back to a situation in life where you can handle the extra load (if you have the luxury of that choice, and don't have small children home waiting for you already) deciding you would rather be selfish and happy would have probably precluded you from wanting to be a parent as an ab as well.

                          My kids have made me some of the happiest I have been in my life. They were teens when I was hurt, and I admire the fact that emi is bringing up 2 small children as a c-something, and still has the energy to post here. But instead of holding me back from recuperating, they actually push me forward. To drive, to get out of the house, to even get out of bed on a bad day. I think emi posted something about play with playdo, and a small child needing help is the best ot ever.

                          OJ, yes, you probably aren't going to have kids this year. I think that is a safe bet. But please don't preclude having them in the future. (I think I implied that in a response to another thread recently?) It will need some planning, and probably a lot of creativity, and probably some not looking out for number one, but then again your priorities change some too.

                          edited to add:

                          Originally posted by pianodave
                          Priorities are different for everybody
                          ps ..... Dave, I hadn;t read your last post btw, while I was composing this.
                          T7-8 since Feb 2005

                          Comment


                            #28
                            Jean, that sounds like my dtr. Hosp said rehab wouldn't take me unless I could do 3 hrs a day. She said " I'll see to it that he'll do 3 hrs" LOL and she did. She brought me every type of energy drink made to boost me.
                            This certainly is a wide open subject. Just on Tues, I met up with a peer group leader at Uof Wash. who stopped in to see me in rehab. Seeing him and hearing what all he does inspired me even more to "git er done".He told me they had wanted a child so great, except they're gettin 2. LOL,He suddenly went from being "on top of all that was gonna happen to..... Oh Oh. .

                            Comment


                              #29
                              Originally posted by sjean423
                              deciding you would rather be selfish and happy would have probably precluded you from wanting to be a parent as an ab as well.

                              Probably right. Parenting isn't my thing. But like you said, my option is only one of many.
                              "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

                              Comment


                                #30
                                Originally posted by pianodave
                                Probably right. Parenting isn't my thing. But like you said, my option is only one of many.
                                I didn't mean that in a mean way ..... it sounded a little worse when you quoted it, than when I wrote it. I am glad you didn;t take it that way.
                                T7-8 since Feb 2005

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X