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  • #31
    Acarson ... I'm so distressed about your situation! I read in another thread in the Life forum where you posted you had to beg for a glass of water .... holy cats we just gotta get this situation resolved quickly it seems to me or you're poor old bod is going to rebel if it hasn't started to already ... who is doing your care as of this moment????

    I would even consider calling an ambulance and going to an ER for the time being ........ are you afraid?? ... you mentioned somewhere you just tried a case so you must be working .. is this right and if so do you not have insurance with your job .... how do you get to work ..... could you fill in the blanks a little so we have a better understanding of all this !! Please take care .....

    Obieone
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

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    • #32
      I purposely put all our assets/property in my wife's name since we got married. I also made sure all the debt was in my name alone.

      I want to make sure that everyone understands that my wife has been my sole caregiver since December 2005. She is not built to be a full-time
      nurse. Some of the people here are. If you Google caregiver burn out, you will see why she is the way she is.

      It is my decision to go to a nursing home. Based on some of these posts, I think I can work my way back to a home. You all have given me the courage to take on what ever comes my way. Heck, it may even be fun. André

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      • #33
        Hey Andre, you are right and some of us know it. It has been a tough row to hoe. Things still aren't over. That is also why there is a caregiver thread here. It is a KNOWN fact that being the sole caregiver is NOT the ideal situation.
        I know you can work your way back out into your own home. It will take a little while. Don't try to make it look TOO FUN, we don't want a big inrush of folks there
        John

        https://www.facebook.com/john.baxter.1213986

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        • #34
          I hope you'll post when people are talking themselves into believing that having their partner be their caregiver is a good idea, and cost efficient. It is too demanding, and the partner's health suffers.

          I worry when you say all assets are in her name, though. I guess maybe it's a good idea but you sure are at the mercy of her decisions this way.

          Are you working currently?

          Best wishes to the whole family.
          Blog:
          Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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          • #35
            Originally posted by Acarson
            I purposely put all our assets/property in my wife's name since we got married. I also made sure all the debt was in my name alone.

            I want to make sure that everyone understands that my wife has been my sole caregiver since December 2005. She is not built to be a full-time
            nurse. Some of the people here are. If you Google caregiver burn out, you will see why she is the way she is.

            It is my decision to go to a nursing home. Based on some of these posts, I think I can work my way back to a home. You all have given me the courage to take on what ever comes my way. Heck, it may even be fun. André
            I've had tough love dished out to me here on more than one occasion so I'll pass a little of it back.

            Caregiver burnout is real. It is HARD. I have been burned out, badly, at various points. But no matter what, there is absolutely no, and I mean zero zilch nada, excuse for how she is treating you. Caregiver burden is a pathetic excuse for her behavior. Hitting you, screaming at you, refusing to give you food and water? That is NOT caregiver burnout, that is abuse, plain and simple. I have no sympathy for that, and do not fool yourself into thinking she is acting this way "for cause". Her behaviour is deplorable and inexcusable.

            Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it really makes me very angry. It trivializes what those of us who do what she does every day by implying that if we don't abuse our loved ones, we must not be burned out.

            Our house is a safe place. And I would at least feed you!!!! Even if we can't have you stay here to live of course, you are welcome here anytime. It's accessible of course, and I know how to cath, etc.

            ETA: I assure you that none of us here are built to be full time caregivers. We just do the right thing even though its hard. That is just another excuse you are making for her, or that she is making for herself. None of us chose this so she doesn't get an out by saying that.
            Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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            • #36
              Originally posted by Tiger Racing
              Why should one's spouse's assets be protected in this way? Why aren't the wife's assets being used to hire attendants and otherwise case for her husband? Is there a divorce in progress? If so, then I would think alimony for the husband would be in order and the new situation may allow him to get assistance from the state while he is working towards getting back to his day job. He is getting back to work at some point, isn't he? If he's not planning on getting a divorce, why isn't his wife spending her/his/their money on caring for her spouse? I don't fault any spouse for not wanting or not being able to be a fulltime caregiver (I want to be a wife, not a nurse and want my husband to look at me as his friend and lover, not as a patient.), but if the wife isn't going to care for her husband, she damn well needs to find someone to. If she would rather send him into a nursing home than hire home care, why stay married to her?
              So many questions for a old lady was 'zits' (lesions) on her brain! (Oh well,at least I can hide my own Easter eggs! Get it? That was my attempt at a joke! lol)

              In my case, I need to protect our assets from the state because my husband is also disabled. Although our assets are small, I don't want the state to put a lien on our house at the time of my death in order to recoup medical funds it has spent on me. He will need those funds to continue his life. So you see, each situation is different.

              And by the way, I agree with everything you said above. ( I was not aware of all on his specifics related to Carson's case.) You have made some very valid points.

              I'll bet Carson is majorly overwhelmed right now. Maybe he plans on going to a nursing home temporarily for safety reasons just until he can work out all these details. At least he will be safe there for the time being.

              CARSON!!! If I were you, I would consider printing out this entire thread and take it with you to the NH. Pay particular attention to what KLD said, especially this sentence:

              Use your time there to make specific plans to get OUT. Go back to work, hire PCAs, and try to repair your marriage.

              And get Zillangel's phone number before you go. She seems to be an angel waiting to help you.

              Good luck to you!

              P. S.
              My Dragon Dictate obviously needs more coffee! Look at the stupid stuff it typed below while I was dictating the above!

              *****************
              costly late drag and the coffee am not awareof all of his went to SusanI was not aware said about said a bow have said ended by the way In a buzz away

              So So so use siege situation is different use theuse situation is different you needs those phonesto continue on hence long The news to those firmsto continue was his life


              money is spent on me else at the time of my death art-house ead loan art-house green loan art-house leading loan or mouse powerhouse art-house art-house Ha ha burning hot hot

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              • #37
                Originally posted by betheny
                ...when people are talking themselves into believing that having their partner be their caregiver is a good idea, and cost efficient. It is too demanding, and the partner's health suffers.
                You can say that again. I'm pretty near my wife's sole caregiver. My health is suffering. Lemme tell you, doing the BP every evening plays hell with the sex life. We're getting some occasional help, and hoping to expand it somewhat, but it is difficult.

                Originally posted by zillazangel
                ...no matter what, there is absolutely no, and I mean zero zilch nada, excuse for how she is treating you. Caregiver burden is a pathetic excuse for her behavior...
                We just do the right thing even though its hard. That is just another excuse you are making for her, or that she is making for herself. None of us chose this so she doesn't get an out by saying that.
                Absodamnlutely. There's not a one of us who would choose this way of life freely. We were driven to it, by circumstance, sense of duty, and/or love.

                - Richard

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by Acarson
                  I purposely put all our assets/property in my wife's name since we got married. I also made sure all the debt was in my name alone.

                  I want to make sure that everyone understands that my wife has been my sole caregiver since December 2005. She is not built to be a full-time
                  nurse. Some of the people here are. If you Google caregiver burn out, you will see why she is the way she is.

                  It is my decision to go to a nursing home. Based on some of these posts, I think I can work my way back to a home. You all have given me the courage to take on what ever comes my way. Heck, it may even be fun. André
                  Check this site out from top to bottom. Scan it for all information possible. Follow all leads, call every number, click every link. http://www.fullcirclecare.org/caregi...me.htm#general
                  "So I have stayed as I am, without regret, seperated from the normal human condition." Guy Sajer

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Mike C
                    Check this site out from top to bottom. Scan it for all information possible. Follow all leads, call every number, click every link. http://www.fullcirclecare.org/caregi...me.htm#general
                    OMG, THANK YOU ......... I am going to scan this top to bottom and call every phone number, etc .... wow. How have I never found this before? I think it's because the orientation is towards seniors that its hard to find if you have the mindset of disability in a younger person.

                    So this will help more than one of us here.
                    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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                    • #40
                      Man, acarson, I think your coping out. Post some flyers.

                      thats not burn out, sounds like abuse to me.

                      but whatever, goodluck.

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                      • #41
                        I use to work in a nursing home for 6 years. I seen a lot of crap happen in them. I am not trying to scare you, but try and think what all your options are. A nursing home should not be one. Take and consider all the advice the others have given you.
                        I dont know you, your wife or know what your marriage is like, but it is so hard for me to understand how someone who loved/loves someone and promised in their vows for better or worse and in sickness and health could just turn their back when they are needed the most.
                        sigpic

                        Stay safe my son. See you around thanksgiving!

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                        • #42
                          Acarson, please give us some input so we can better help you. I'm a high quad, on a vent and have been for a couple decades. With your profession, you should be quite capable of covering your own atendents and helthcare.

                          From this post and others, you need to get away from your "wife" as quickly as possible. She is not acting as a caring spouse and sounds like could care less what happens to you. How was your relationship pre-SCI?
                          C2/3 quad since February 20, 1985.

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Acarson
                            I want to make sure that everyone understands that my wife has been my sole caregiver since December 2005. She is not built to be a full-time nurse.
                            I understand that and don't know that any spouse is built to be a fulltime nurse.

                            It is my decision to go to a nursing home.
                            I don't understand why you are making this decision, but I wish you the best and hope that you and your wife work out something that leaves you both healthy and happy.

                            C.

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                            • #44
                              Not everyone has burnout or abuse problems. I am solecaregiver/advocate and have been with Jim 24/7 since the day of the accident, 8 years ago. Have met several wives/husbands, mothers/fathers and other sisters/brothers who also just take it in stride. For heavens sake, in some cases it just needs to be done, either do it right with acceptance and good cheer or arrange a different set-up. I kinda get tired of all the drama for god's sake. It takes more than one to make a good team, we work together.
                              Arcasan has made a decision to get out of an abusive situation and I appaud that. I really don't feel it is helpful to tell him how bad Nursing Homes are when he needs to get out now. Educated and studied information on alternatives at a place of refuge will be helpful. Establishing a Special Needs Trust, counciling, considering new living arrangements and establishing new family dynamics can be done better in a calmer, safer atmosphere. I hope a change brings you the strength to better your conditions. Best of luck, sir. Deb

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                              • #45
                                Arcasan

                                You have made one difficult decision to get out of an abusive situation. Organising private nursing care would give you the help you need and relieve some of the pressure on both you and your wife.

                                Could you stay with some friends and family for a short time. Have the nursing care organised beforehand to be done there. This could give yourself and your wife the breathing space you need without having to go into a nursing home.
                                Best of luck
                                San

                                I hope you find yourself in a situation where you can be comfortable that you are getting the nursing care you need whatever source. SCI is bad enough without all that shit.

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