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Nosey nurse asking questions….what do I say

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    Nosey nurse asking questions….what do I say

    On Monday, my husband had an agency nurse taking care of him for 6 hours in the morning and early afternoon. FYI…I am in the process of getting this gal replaced because she is just so inappropriate, wacky, and rude. Like a couple of weeks ago while I was out, my husband and our young kids were watching the Colts football game. This gal started hooting and hollering and cussing in front of our kids. Finally my husband had to ask her to leave the room. Anyway, now for Monday. My husband had some guys over for lunch. She fed him then I asked her to sit in the dining room so that my husband could visit without her interruptions. I sat down with her for a few minutes. She said that she wanted to ask me something. Know what she wanted to ask? How could I stand going without sex the last 4 years that my husband has been paralyzed? She wanted to know what I was doing instead since I “wasn’t gettin any”. I was stunned. She took me by such surprise that I didn’t really even know what to say. Just curious, what would you guys have done with a question like this?

    Trish

    #2
    I would have said "That is a totally inappropriate, rude and ignorant thing to say!" because it is!

    I suspect this was an aide (HHA) not a professional nurse (RN) or vocational nurse (LVN or LPN). It is certainly NOT an appropriate question, as well as being ignorant and insensitive. Lucky for you she works for an agency...this means she has an RN supervisor. Call the agency and ask to speak to this RN. Report this behavior, and follow it up with a letter of complaint to the agency. Ask for a written response. At the same time, tell them you don't want this person in your home again.

    I am a professional who does sexual counseling with patients. In the right place, and with an established relationship, I ask my clients very intimate questions, but a HHA does not have this training and such "data collection" is certainly NOT within her scope of practice. Don't tolerate it.

    (KLD)
    The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

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      #3
      I would probably have picked my jaw up off the floor then said "Oh, you haven't heard about the quad sex thing? Best I EVER had, better than you'll probably EVER get. Why do you think I'm still with him? It sure isn't for the golf!" Then left her wondering.

      But KLD's answer is right.
      Blog:
      Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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        #4
        I had someone say to a very good friend of mind that "does she just f*** around on him since they can't have sex?". My friend was stunned. I don't even remember what she said back.

        I once had a STORE CLERK ask me how I had sex with my husband. We had talked about him being a high level quad. I said "the old fashioned way" and walked out!!

        Good grief, the crap we have to put up with. She certainly sounds awful. Good luck finding someone new, I know how horrifically difficult it can be. No ... IS!

        Ami
        Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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          #5
          Might have been a good time to educate someone who was so ignorant. People are always curious and it seems to be the first question people want to ask.
          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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            #6
            Debbie made sure pretty early on to educate me about all areas of her sci and how it did or did not affect her, including sexual capabilities. She figured I wouldn't have absorbed this information by osmosis, it isn't exactly taught in school, and - in my case - I'd never met someone with an sci to learn anything from.

            Even if I had, I never, EVER would have asked about their sex life. I was raised that there are some things that are private and you just don't ask, and I never even looked at someone in a chair and thought to myself "Gee, I wonder how they have sex" any more than I would any person on the planet. It's just none of my business.

            I believe that if someone Debbie knew asked her privately and sincerely if it were alright to ask her about sexual matters, Debbie would not mind answering them honestly. But a stranger? Nope. Just not cool.
            Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
            - Albert Einstein

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              #7
              Actually, now that I think about it, I remember a response I use frequently when any inappropriate question is asked of me:

              "why do you ask?"

              90% of the time the person asking realizes how inappropriate the question was and mumbles something and quickly changes the subject. But every now and then, we get into a really good conversation because they had good reason for asking. Like once we were asked about his sex life and it was because the person's 23 year old brother had broken his neck a few weeks before and his brother was super depressed because he never would have sex again. So we had an appropriately discreet conversation about it.

              Try that answer - it really works.
              Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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                #8
                I have to think that his one is just plain rude and crude. She has only been at our house for a few weeks and just works one day a week for 6 hours. BTW, she is an LPN. To give you another example, one day she came out of the bathroom and told my husband that she had just started her period. Like he gives a care…I was standing right there when she said it and again was shocked. In case you were wondering, she did tell me that it has been a year and a half for her in the sex department. Like I give a care….I should have told her maybe she could “get it on” with my husband, and he could give her a refresher course. If I had only been thinking clearly.

                People are goofy.

                Trish

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                  #9
                  Report her to her supervising RN at the agency. You can also file a complaint with the state LPN licensing board. She could loose her license or be disciplined for behavior such as this.

                  (KLD)
                  The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    People let their curiousity get the better of them most times they ask things like that, in this case though sounds like she's just what you said 'rude & crude." My mother is the only person that's ever asked me and of course I didn't mind. I'd rather tell someone that 'we do have sex, not that it's your business' to educate them just a little about people with disabilities and maybe in the future they won't be so quick to make assumptions. I would ask them first like Ami said 'why' they wanted to know because it could be that they have a friend or relative recently injured. People making assumptions that we don't have sex infuriates me more than if they asked. I especially resent when out in public a strange man will get too friendly with me and I just know he's thinking 'poor girl needs some love.' Ohhhh if they only knew the truth!

                    Love your answer Betheny! Sounds like something that would blurt out of my mouth .
                    Do not live your life in fear of your own government because the moment that you do, is the moment they rule you.

                    Me

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                      #11
                      Originally posted by taj2002
                      I have to think that his one is just plain rude and crude. She has only been at our house for a few weeks and just works one day a week for 6 hours. BTW, she is an LPN. To give you another example, one day she came out of the bathroom and told my husband that she had just started her period. Like he gives a care…I was standing right there when she said it and again was shocked. In case you were wondering, she did tell me that it has been a year and a half for her in the sex department. Like I give a care….I should have told her maybe she could “get it on” with my husband, and he could give her a refresher course. If I had only been thinking clearly.

                      People are goofy.

                      Trish
                      Ewwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhh YUCK!! Obviously, this woman is NOT asking for a "good" reason. She is just ... yucky! That's a great suggestion KLD, report her. That is completely unacceptable for a paid "professional" (in quotes because she is obviously NOT professional) to act.

                      My post about "why do you ask" though may help in the future, it's helped us alot. I think someone here suggested it to me.

                      ETA: sometimes, I swear to god, when I get asked about sex I feel like saying "well, I mount him and ride him like a wild bronco!" just to see the reaction! Cause that really is how we have sex, lol!
                      Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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                        #12
                        my humble opinion ....buy her a vibrator ....cristhmas is coming.lol

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                          #13
                          I agree to get rid of the nurse, these are questions that shouldn't be asked. I had an LPN ask me on a few occasions who my favorite nurse was, but nothing this bad.
                          C2/3 quad since February 20, 1985.

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                            #14
                            Being a very blunt and outspoken person myself I tend to give out too much info. I have been known to put my foot in my mouth. I usually try to make sure I am talking to someone who is either used to the way I am or can at least appreciate it. I can also tell when someone is not comfortable with it. I think you can subtly let her know probably even by a brief facial gesture that it's not o.k. She will probably get the hint. If not don't be subtle at all!!!

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                              #15
                              Good thing you are getting rid of her now because it sure seems that she was thinking to do other things to your husband instead of care only. Or who knows maybe she was a lesbian and she wanted something to do with you instead.

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