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A really petty gripe, can anyone relate? (m)

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    A really petty gripe, can anyone relate? (m)

    OK, so for years and years and years, Chad has asked his attendants to do things for him by saying "I'm gonna get to you (fill in the blank)". What his intent of this is that he'd like to find a way for his request to fit into the attendant's convenience/schedule. It drove his last attendant nuts though because it was taken as "I am in charge of you and I'm going to MAKE you (get out) to .....".

    I thought he was getting bent out of shape over a little semantics thing, but I've now been Chad's sole 24/7 caregiver for 13 months and if he says to me ONE MORE TIME "I'm gonna get you to (scratch my head, get my up, cath me, ....)" I am going to LOSE IT!!!!!!!!

    I now understand completely why this drove the last attendant nuts. It drives me crazy!!! So I have talked to him about it and he is totally, completely willing to change how he speaks but two things a) he still says it about 75% of the time because it is so ingrained after 18+ years, and b) when he doesn't, he overcompensates and says something along the lines of "when you have time, could you do me a big favor if it's not too inconvenient to ... (fill in the blank)". ARGH! Both of those drive me nutty. "a" implies he is going to make me do something and "b" implies he has to beg me to do the more basic things which makes me feel like he has to be demeaned to get his needs fulfilled.

    What I want him to say is "Could you (fill in the blank)". That's it. Just could you, or would you. I don't want a please, I don't want ten disclaimers on how inconvenient it may be for me, I just want him to ASK me, plain and simple, that's it.

    OK, so am I so insane? The thing is, Chad is 100% willing to change to "could you ...", but in over 6 months, he has said it maybe 10 times ... he still says a or b above. I correct him over and over and over again, but then I sound like a total bitch.

    So anyway, there's not really any advice I'm seeking, just wanted to put that out there to see if this is something else other caregivers face in one way or another. Or if I'm just a semantic freak.

    Ami

    p.s. PLEASE no bashing from the injured crowd who may think I'm a jerk for this petty thing, but I just need to vent and put this out there.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

    #2
    Ami, I try very hard not to tell people to do things but to phrase things like "I need help with..", "Before you leave today could you...".

    Part of me does not like to phrase it like a question or as if they get to decide which things they are going to do because some will then do just that, but at the same time I don't like to order people around. I think sometimes it can be a fine line in how to ask people for things. A good friend is helping me out now and she knows my personality well so it has made it easier for both of us to say when either of us are being obnoxius. I know this may not help but just my thoughts.
    www.cawvsports.org
    The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. ~ Don Juan Matus
    We are Virginia Tech… We must laugh again… No one deserves a tragedy… We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid…We are better than we think and not quit what we want to be…We are the Hokies…We will prevail, we will prevail, we will prevail. We ARE Virginia Tech! ~ Nikki Giovanni

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      #3
      You're stressed. This is understandable. In an ideal situation, you wouldn't be his caregiver, he would be a fully independent man.

      Comment


        #4
        I totally agree!

        I am my husbands fulltime caregiver and I have to walk away when he says" if it's possible, when you get a chance and if it's not too much...." NO I'm not too busy and just ask for what you want! I am always 2 steps ahead of him just so I will not have to hear the winded question, then he says I do too much. How do you win? Just venting by the way, I love my job!

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          #5
          No, you aren't insane Ami! Look into your crystal ball and see a vision of my home below:


          He: It is cold in here.
          She: Do you think?
          He: Well, are you going to turn the AC off or not???????
          She: Oh, is that what you wanted?
          He: Well, I said it was cold in here, didn't I?
          She: Yes, but you didn't say you wanted the AC turned off.
          He: Well, turn the AC off!
          She: Please.......?
          He: PLEASE!
          She: Please what?
          He: Turn the AC off, PLEASE!
          She: Okay, that's all you had to say to begin with!

          My petty gripe is when someone doesn't state what they want to start with and I am supposed to figure out what it is that they want, by the "clues" I am given. Drives me insane. So, I torture him with the above kind of exchange. He's actually improved over time and rarely does this anymore. Anything to shut me up!
          "I just want you to know, it was the best time ever." J.F.F.

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            #6
            Are you hungry?

            I had a ham sandwich at lunch.

            SO ARE YOU FREAKIN HUNGRY OR NOT?

            Is that your Pepsi?

            I don't like Pepsi.

            SO IS IT YOURS OR NOT??

            Just part of my conversation this afternoon. I understand. And I am noones caregiver I just wanted to say this.
            If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.


            Sometimes it is easier to widen doors than it is to open minds.

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              #7
              Originally posted by addiesue
              Are you hungry?

              I had a ham sandwich at lunch.

              SO ARE YOU FREAKIN HUNGRY OR NOT?

              Is that your Pepsi?

              I don't like Pepsi.

              SO IS IT YOURS OR NOT??

              Just part of my conversation this afternoon. I understand. And I am noones caregiver I just wanted to say this.
              I'm feeling your pain! That conversation HAD to be with a M-A-N!! Am i right?
              "I just want you to know, it was the best time ever." J.F.F.

              Comment


                #8
                Ami,

                The more I think of your post, the more I realize how often people go through this. But your situation makes it worse. Living together with another person is not always easy. My parents and I often have friction between us. Oftentimes when people are repetitive and have quirks, they will get on our nerves but being someone's caregiver makes you even more hypersensitive to their quirks due to your stress. This is how I see it.

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                  #9
                  Aw Ami...

                  Hang in there, you know its worth it..look how cute he is...look at him..he loves you...tell him I said to say this: "I am going to get you to go have a spa day and buy yourself some new jewelry" Trust me, he will re-work his expressions. Have a great day, I am glad you feel good enough to vent.

                  Mary
                  PS Have some chocolate.
                  1FineSpineRN

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Zill, this is why I only visit my mother for no more than a (7 day) period.
                    She's 83, and has said over and over, oh I think you and I could live
                    together and get along quite well......that's when the hairs on my neck stand straight up! I'm thinkin' I must be a pretty good actress.

                    My former ex mother-in-law would always...always say, "Is that Right?"
                    after you would tell her something. Drove me crazy! She's gone now and
                    I would give anything to hear that again.

                    I certainly understand and know that kind of stuff, over time, can just grate on ones last nerve!

                    Venting is a good thang! Come Often!!! LOLOL
                    Your life is what you make it, and only you have that choice!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I TOTALLY understand. My son's habit is to wait until I'm 1/3 of the way down the stairs, and then call, "hey, Mom". I could stand or sit in his room for 23 hours non-stop, and he'd never ask for a thing. The instant I put my foot on the 3rd step (must be a trigger in the carpet?), I hear: "hey, Mom". And then, I HAVE to say, "what?". He will never put the whole string together. I don't mind getting him a drink from his fridge, I mind going right back where I came from, or worse going back to his room to find out he wanted something from downstairs, where I was headed.
                      BeeBee

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                        #12
                        I am a caregiver, I know the extent of getting things for them, but I also keep in the back of my mind that if they could get things for themselves they would be up in a heartbeat to get it. It does get frustrating, I will admit, but I know it is just as frustrating for them that they cant get or do things for themselves. So neither of us is in a win-win situation. As long as it is something that they cant possibly do for themselves, or get, I will always be there to assist, for I can only imagine what it must be like.
                        sigpic

                        Stay safe my son. See you around thanksgiving!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by queen
                          Zill, this is why I only visit my mother for no more than a (7 day) period.
                          She's 83,
                          Ami,
                          You are a very busy lady and its ok to vent once in a while. I am with Queen on this issue except my mom is only in her 60's but I could pretty much write a book. She drives me mad and I find that after an hour with her my tongue is pretty well numb from biting it so many times.

                          Just vent often and keep hanging in there....Im ordering you a "wonder woman" suit....and you can wear it with pride. LOL

                          Maybe we can get together soon and have a girls night or something.

                          (((((Ami)))))
                          Last edited by darkeyed_daisy; 4 Oct 2006, 9:15 AM.
                          T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

                          My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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                            #14
                            Originally posted by BeeBee
                            I TOTALLY understand. My son's habit is to wait until I'm 1/3 of the way down the stairs, and then call, "hey, Mom". I could stand or sit in his room for 23 hours non-stop, and he'd never ask for a thing. The instant I put my foot on the 3rd step (must be a trigger in the carpet?), I hear: "hey, Mom". And then, I HAVE to say, "what?". He will never put the whole string together. I don't mind getting him a drink from his fridge, I mind going right back where I came from, or worse going back to his room to find out he wanted something from downstairs, where I was headed.
                            Been there... for me it would sure seem like every time I finally decided it had been a long enough wait between his asking to do something but then got sidetracked due to a very busy social life more often than not...he'd be ready just when I had taken the first couple bites of a meal I'd been putting off as I waited.
                            Let's just say his wheeling around the corner became my 'trigger point' to growl like a dog protecting my food- LMAO! And then we'd laugh 'cause it just figured.

                            But yeah, Ami the pressures of being 'available' to someone 24/7 and trying to make it so will wear on you. As well, it wears on the one in need too... I am betting his way with his words were once, years back perhaps a tease or a way of asking for more assistance than he felt he should be or wanting to ask of that turned into a short version of- after we do what needs to be done, I will need to you to do this and has evolved to an even shorter version...or something as such perhaps.

                            My advice: Growl a warning- hee hee.
                            "I want to make a difference! However small it may be~ as long as it's a positive one, then this is what my life will have been about and I will go knowing I did my best.~ T.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Petty! Not!

                              It's the (seemingly) little things that can drive one nutzzzz.. I've gone through some major medical crises with Debbie that one might think would have been the most difficult to deal with in terms of our having a committed relationship, but - as hard as those are - it's the other stuff that has caused us the most grief. Case in point - ye olde toothpaste tube. I squeeze from the middle, she rolls the tube nice and neat from the bottom. Drove her crazy how I did it, and I was aggravated that she was making a big deal of it! Now that sounds petty, does it not, but it was those types of problems that caused the most issues for us. We had to learn to compromise and communicate and it was not easy with two stubborn women!

                              I'm sure you and Chad will find some middle ground with this problem. In the meantime, keep venting cause I hear and understand the aggravation!
                              Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
                              - Albert Einstein

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