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Spouse is tired of dealing with disability, but still loves me

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    #16
    I am in the caregiving forum, not sure how to go into a private one?

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      #17
      There is a private caregiving forum that only approved people (only caregivers, so you wouldn't actually be able to join, KLD was confused I think that you were a caregiver yourself) can join in. If your husband joins, have him send a private message to obieone and she will grant you access to the forum. Then only caregivers will see the messages.
      Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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        #18
        Originally posted by LaMemChose View Post
        For my entire life, I have done what I can do and enjoy. When I cannot do certain things or I have no interest in an activity, I encourage family and friends to go without me. It makes life more interesting when we are next together as we each have different things to discuss and share. I don't want anyone held back because I cannot physically do something. It's a burden on me I do refuse to carry.

        To the OP, even couples where both are ab go and do things separately. This is not the domain of only those of us who are dis.

        Encourage him to do the things he loves, with or without you. Find your own interests and hobbies. Find your own bliss and follow the hell out of it. If the two of you can adopt an attitude of zero guilt for having separate hobbies and interests while being supportive, encouraging and loving with each other, it can strengthen your relationship. No partnership does well for long when the partners are together 24/7.

        BTW, if you can manage it financially, hire someone to assist you with the part-time care your husband provides for you. It may begin to put more of a spark in the relationship if the two of you relate as partners, not caregiver and person requiring assistance.

        Keep us posted, okay?
        Thank you, you make a good point about me having my interests and pursuing things for me. I had been working out of the home till about 5 years ago, have become very involved working for my husband's renovation company. Doing quotes, scheduling, books etc. I love doing this job because I know it takes a lot of stress and pressure off him. But one thing I have noticed is that we end up talking business too much, there are always things to prepare and organize. So at breakfast we organize day, go over quotes I did the day before etc. at supper we talk about his day and mine (mostly work related) evening 2x a week he has appointments, golf. He gets home 9 930 and I get put to bhed at 10:00. No real time for "us" I am asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. I get out twice a week swimming and errands, groceries etc. With our daughter being 18 we will be empty nesters soon and need to see where our relationship is with out all kids involvements. I need to find something outside the home to do for myself that I enjoy and that can bring new discussions back into our relationship as well. So you have made a good point and I am going to start planning for that, I was waiting for summer to be over first. Summer is way too short here to be working.lol

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          #19
          Originally posted by zillazangel View Post
          There is a private caregiving forum that only approved people (only caregivers, so you wouldn't actually be able to join, KLD was confused I think that you were a caregiver yourself) can join in. If your husband joins, have him send a private message to obieone and she will grant you access to the forum. Then only caregivers will see the messages.
          Oh okay thanks

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            #20
            I would also like to ask you about the physical things that you have to give up. He is sometimes just tired of always having to be the one to come to me, in bed he has to come to me to be close, I can never go to him and nestle behind him, we just can't spoon we don't fit like we used to, he holds me for so long then he is uncomfortable. He misses me coming up behind him while he is standing, sitting on the couch with him, not being eye to eye. Being intimate the limited positions, he has to do all the work. Sometimes he says he is in bed with me but he feels alone and lonely. Each on our own sides. He misses the simple affections. Hugs are always half body hugs when in chair. How do you deal with all these feelings?

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              #21
              Originally posted by ibi View Post
              Thank you, you make a good point about me having my interests and pursuing things for me. I had been working out of the home till about 5 years ago, have become very involved working for my husband's renovation company. Doing quotes, scheduling, books etc. I love doing this job because I know it takes a lot of stress and pressure off him. But one thing I have noticed is that we end up talking business too much, there are always things to prepare and organize. So at breakfast we organize day, go over quotes I did the day before etc. at supper we talk about his day and mine (mostly work related) evening 2x a week he has appointments, golf. He gets home 9 930 and I get put to bhed at 10:00. No real time for "us" I am asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. I get out twice a week swimming and errands, groceries etc. With our daughter being 18 we will be empty nesters soon and need to see where our relationship is with out all kids involvements. I need to find something outside the home to do for myself that I enjoy and that can bring new discussions back into our relationship as well. So you have made a good point and I am going to start planning for that, I was waiting for summer to be over first. Summer is way too short here to be working.lol
              It doesn't have to be anything big, especially at first. Meet a girlfriend for lunch or go for mani/pedis. Find a cause in which you believe and volunteer a couple of times a month. Take yourself to a museum you have always wanted to visit or gran a movie with a girlfriend. Join a book club if you love to read. (The ones held at book stores, libraries and community centers are generally accessible, btw, as opposed to those held in someone's home.) Whatever it is you like to do or have always wanted to try, go for it.

              You could also plan a date night with your husband with the understanding work talk is not allowed. Try something new together and you'll have plenty to talk about should the convo feel a little dry. Date nights are a good idea in LTRs, IMO. After years together, it is important to make you, the couple, a priority. It matters to remember why and how you fell in love with each other all those years ago and to keep it stoked.

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                #22
                Why was my post in this thread deleted? Very disappointed.
                stephen@bike-on.com

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                  #23
                  I really enjoy your posts Stephen .... I didn't see it but can't imagine why it would be deleted??
                  Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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                    #24
                    yeah jeez its a bloody hard one this topic.

                    It's funny ibi, I pretty much reckon your situation is a lot like mine but reversed...and this might explain a lot, drawing on what lyniffer siad about men in general being the ones who question thier place and their needs once they hit 40, anyway.

                    I'm the one in the chair and my wife is the able bod. I am a man in my early 40's and i often get this feeling of "what about me". Apart from helping me out in the mornings and if we go out my wife says herself that she feels lucky she can do whatever and that I'm pretty easy to care for and she worries about me feeling left out.

                    I'm just saying ibi, you are the one with restrictions on your life and really how restricted is he if he's with the woman he loves?. His dislike for the chair is only natural and probably has more to do with that fact that he's sad for you having to be in it. I've asked my wife what she thinks of my chair, she's like me, she hates I have to be in it, but she sees i can do more stuff now that I ever did when we met.

                    p.s. Bloody therapists are dumbasses...ie: saying blankly "he resents your chair" with no context attached is a fucking retarded thing to say if you ask me.
                    "The problem with self improvement is knowing when to quit." "Diamond" David Lee Roth.

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                      #25
                      Just a thing on free speech...

                      If a person posts a stupid, nasty opinion about something I really dont think thier opinion should be culled from the thread. I'd rather the person that posted the stupid post to (hopefully) cop the derision from the rest of the thread for it.

                      zilla's reply to peterf's opnion was well said and even motherly in some ways. I woulda felt a right idiot after that ticking off by zilla!

                      Come on people, we should be championing free speech 'n stuff
                      "The problem with self improvement is knowing when to quit." "Diamond" David Lee Roth.

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                        #26
                        Originally posted by ibi View Post
                        I would also like to ask you about the physical things that you have to give up. He is sometimes just tired of always having to be the one to come to me, in bed he has to come to me to be close, I can never go to him and nestle behind him, we just can't spoon we don't fit like we used to, he holds me for so long then he is uncomfortable. He misses me coming up behind him while he is standing, sitting on the couch with him, not being eye to eye. Being intimate the limited positions, he has to do all the work. Sometimes he says he is in bed with me but he feels alone and lonely. Each on our own sides. He misses the simple affections. Hugs are always half body hugs when in chair. How do you deal with all these feelings?
                        I relate to all of these feelings, and the only way I deal with them is that we are best friends. We talk at night especially, laying in bed. I don't mean about the topic of frustrations, but we talk and talk and talk, like gossipy girlfriends lol. We laugh ALOT and we thoroughly and completely enjoy each other's company. There isn't anything that can be done about the physical part so I just don't dwell on it and I focus on the parts that do matter to me, which is how much we get along.
                        Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

                        Comment


                          #27
                          Originally posted by WahWah View Post
                          yeah jeez its a bloody hard one this topic.

                          It's funny ibi, I pretty much reckon your situation is a lot like mine but reversed...and this might explain a lot, drawing on what lyniffer siad about men in general being the ones who question thier place and their needs once they hit 40, anyway.

                          I'm the one in the chair and my wife is the able bod. I am a man in my early 40's and i often get this feeling of "what about me". Apart from helping me out in the mornings and if we go out my wife says herself that she feels lucky she can do whatever and that I'm pretty easy to care for and she worries about me feeling left out.

                          I'm just saying ibi, you are the one with restrictions on your life and really how restricted is he if he's with the woman he loves?. His dislike for the chair is only natural and probably has more to do with that fact that he's sad for you having to be in it. I've asked my wife what she thinks of my chair, she's like me, she hates I have to be in it, but she sees i can do more stuff now that I ever did when we met.

                          p.s. Bloody therapists are dumbasses...ie: saying blankly "he resents your chair" with no context attached is a fucking retarded thing to say if you ask me.
                          So how important is sex in a relationship? Making love is a way to share with each other the emotional connection, the passion and the love you share, I know there are many other ways as well but you have a special closeness you feel after making love. Is the sex more imortant to men? I know to my husband says if it was just about sex he would have left, he hasn't because of his love for me. It is not the same for him anymore I can tell and feel the difference lately. What does that really mean? Are there any other couples going through this? I don't try and initiate sex anymore sometimes I feel its too much work for him, getting me into bed, undressing etc.. then only being able to do a few positions, not sure if his enjoyment warrents all the work. Does anyone else sometimes feel this way?

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                            #28
                            You are right about the therapists. It is a conflict of interest, Murray is seeing him 1 on Thursday and will tell him he will be seeing a different one when it is just him. Do you think we can stay with the same Association and just have different therapists or would the therapist discuss our cases together? Reason I am asking is this association has a subsidy through donations so our cost is less.

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                              #29
                              Originally posted by stephen212 View Post
                              Why was my post in this thread deleted? Very disappointed.
                              No post of yours was deleted, I looked. Either there was some DB problem or you thought you posted but didn't.

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                                #30
                                Originally posted by t8burst View Post
                                No post of yours was deleted, I looked. Either there was some DB problem or you thought you posted but didn't.
                                I don't know what happened to your post either Stephen but I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with our end - maybe you thought you hit submit and hit preview instead ! I haven't been on line too much so I missed this thread - sorry !

                                Obieone
                                ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


                                " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
                                Jane Siberry

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