Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Wife as Caregiver

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Wife as Caregiver

    I am a t-12 with a good amount of mobiiity. I find that my wife has lost that lovin feeling. She has never been affectional wife. I also suffer from CNS. It dictates my mood day to day. So to lite the fire is met with a cold should. Please talk with spouses and give feedback,
    Feelin good is good enough!

    #2
    When your wife is your caregiver, the stressors of that role can cause the loss of intimacy. You may want to consider to get another caregiver to give your spouse a break. I hope she has other interests other than caring for you.

    pbr
    The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

    Comment


      #3
      no affection

      She has always been a person that has trouble showing affection. The fact that I deal w/ so much pain, she does not know what to do. She is not able to help w/ climax. This is minor to me, it is what it is. I dont know how to change her to be outgoing. She has been an at home mother. She does not even think of working. What would I do she says. I would like to stand up and yell, Do something.
      Feelin good is good enough!

      Comment


        #4
        Not to be crass however, if you are T12 why in the hell do you need a caregiver? Maybe you should concentrate on taking care of your own self and getting back to a loving husband and wife relationship.

        Comment


          #5
          cns

          I have delt w/ cns pain for so long. I am not the same person and I know it. She is not my "caregiver" she is my wife. The role of CG only applies to our responability.
          Last edited by GoBig; 12 Jul 2012, 8:48 PM. Reason: I just dont understand
          Feelin good is good enough!

          Comment


            #6
            Bigz, you and your wife have had major life changes beyond the initial SCI. When you were injured, you had been working and she had been home with your girls. When you could no longer work, it really changed things for you both.

            Now you are both home most of the time. That's a whole lot of togetherness. Just ask any two people in a marriage or relationship when one or both retire (and they may laugh about it if they are able) as new tensions often arise as roles evolve. You may still be adjusting to the new you, especially in how you may view yourself post career. That's a tough one.

            You wrote she is not changing. Chances are she will not. You married who you married and she is not affectionate like you think you might like. She was not before and probably will not be now. Remember the woman you fell in love with. She's still her, still right there. You are, too.

            You wrote she is always there and you just wish she would "do something." Again, you are probably looking to change her. She probably knows that even if you are not talking about it.

            I try to remember I cannot change other people. The only thing I can do is change myself and work to improve my own life and hopefully that helps improve my relationships with others.

            If you are hoping to rekindle things with her, don't underestimate romance. Snag a sitter and go on a date. Have a picnic. Try something new together. Never stop courting each other. It does not have to be on a grand scale, but little things mean a lot, especially over the long haul.

            Before you two get too far down the road with what is happening between you, any chance you could go see a couple's counselor? Learning new ways to communicate can help when there are new tensions.

            I, too, have crazy pain, Bigz. I have a couple of hobbies I love. I have found my bliss and it helps so much. I try not to get too far into my own head. Volunteering helps me as much or more than anything. For me, meditation and visualization are essential to dealing with this body I inhabit.

            Find something you like to do solo and do it. Even if it is just going for a cup of coffee somewhere and reading the paper or taking your laptop for the cup of Joe, get out of the house. You and she probably need a little breathing room.

            I may have it all wrong with what I have written. If so, my apologies.

            Good relationships don't just happen. They take work.

            Thinking of you both,

            Memz
            Last edited by LaMemChose; 12 Jul 2012, 10:25 PM. Reason: typos

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by LaMemChose View Post
              Bigz, you and your wife have had major life changes beyond the initial SCI. When you were injured, you had been working and she had been home with your girls. When you could no longer work, it really changed things for you both.

              Now you are both home most of the time. That's a whole lot of togetherness. Just ask any two people in a marriage or relationship when one or both retire (and they may laugh about it if they are able) as new tensions often arise as roles evolve. You may still be adjusting to the new you, especially in how you may view yourself post career. That's a tough one.

              You wrote she is not changing. Chances are she will not. You married who you married and she is not affectionate like you think you might like. She was not before and probably will not be now. Remember the woman you fell in love with. She's still her, still right there. You are, too.

              You wrote she is always there and you just wish she would "do something." Again, you are probably looking to change her. She probably knows that even if you are not talking about it.

              I try to remember I cannot change other people. The only thing I can do is change myself and work to improve my own life and hopefully that helps improve my relationships with others.

              If you are hoping to rekindle things with her, don't underestimate romance. Snag a sitter and go on a date. Have a picnic. Try something new together. Never stop courting each other. It does not have to be on a grand scale, but little things mean a lot, especially over the long haul.

              Before you two get too far down the road with what is happening between you, any chance you could go see a couple's counselor? Learning new ways to communicate can help when there are new tensions.

              I, too, have crazy pain, Bigz. I have a couple of hobbies I love. I have found my bliss and it helps so much. I try not to get too far into my own head. Volunteering helps me as much or more than anything. For me, meditation and visualization are essential to dealing with this body I inhabit.

              Find something you like to do solo and do it. Even if it is just going for a cup of coffee somewhere and reading the paper or taking your laptop for the cup of Joe, get out of the house. You and she probably need a little breathing room.

              I may have it all wrong with what I have written. If so, my apologies.

              Good relationships don't just happen. They take work.

              Thinking of you both,

              Memz
              Eloquently stated.

              All the best,
              GJ

              Comment


                #8
                Feeling Good

                KS I am sorry to put this on CG site but that is how i felt because she does everything. She also suffers from a deal of depression from my dilema.

                Mimz Thanks for the response. I find it difficult to ignite a fire when the pain is so difficult. We have gone to dinner only to be interupted by my little friend.

                Thanks to all.
                Feelin good is good enough!

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by LaMemChose View Post
                  Good relationships don't just happen. They take work.
                  As a caregiver wife, I agree with everything that Memz wrote. Especially the last line. Along with the romance ideas she gave, one thing I find incredibly important is that you communicate with her, let her know your feelings, and ask her about her feelings.

                  In my book, absolutely nothing is better than when my husband puts his arm around me and tells me he loves and appreciates me. It gives me the strength I need to deal with all the rest. I know a lot of guys especially have a hard time with that, but it is soooo important (even if not dealing with a caregiver partner situation).
                  Partner of an incredible stroke survivor. Limitations: hemiparesis and neglect (functional paralysis and complete lack of awareness on one side). Equipment: TiLite ZRA 2 and 2GX, Spinergy ZX-1, RioMobility Firefly. Knowledge: relative newbie for high-level equipment (2012), but willing to try to help others who are new with similar limitations (definitely not a guru, but inquisitive).

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by GoBig View Post
                    KS I am sorry to put this on CG site but that is how i felt because she does everything. She also suffers from a deal of depression from my dilema.

                    Mimz Thanks for the response. I find it difficult to ignite a fire when the pain is so difficult. We have gone to dinner only to be interupted by my little friend.

                    Thanks to all.
                    First of all don't ever be sorry for putting anything on here. You have a right to voice your opinion and concerns as well. Knowing that your wife is suffering too is a major step forward. Memz does leave you with several valid points. I can't argue one of them. I don't know what the central pain feels like, but have read numerous posts here that it must be horrific. Invite your wife to care cure. Maybe she would feel better about things if she was able to hash out some of her concerns as well. I know it has done wonders for me. Remember your little friends inturreptions may be really similar to the interupptions your wife is getting from her little friend. Meaning the things going on inside of her head since your injury. Best of luck to you are yours.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by GoBig View Post
                      KS I am sorry to put this on CG site but that is how i felt because she does everything. She also suffers from a deal of depression from my dilema.

                      Mimz Thanks for the response. I find it difficult to ignite a fire when the pain is so difficult. We have gone to dinner only to be interupted by my little friend.

                      Thanks to all.
                      Bigz, no worries.

                      The little friend of big pain seems to go wherever we are. It helps me to breathe through it.

                      I have recently become the most social I have been in almost two decades. My pain did not go away. in fact, it is worse when I am tired as I am less able to cope and deal. The more fatigued I am, the greater the pain and the more it takes mentally and physically for me to function, especially around others. Still, the tradeoff for being with others and enjoying what I can is huge.

                      I try to remind myself I need to eat no matter where I am, whether home or in a restaurant or at a friend's home. When I hurt the most, I do not talk or interact with others as much and I just listen more to those I am with. Even that helps as I cannot get too far into my own head and pain if I am focused on others.

                      I almost had a meltdown a couple of days ago. I was hot, tired, and in big pain. The day had been going really well, but I had hit my limit on coping and adapting. I had been grocery shopping at the time and knew I was still a half hour away from being home again and alone. i simply told those I was with I was exhausted and in pain. I was told they knew because my face was beat red. Apparently, I turn colors when I hurt most. Just saying how I felt without blaming anyone else, including myself, helped.

                      Don't know if that helps in anyway, but I cope as best I can. It's what we all do. There are times I am better at it than others.

                      Know there are people here who will listen. It helps to vent. I have to or I'd go nuts. You may find it helps you, too.

                      Hope your Sunday is a good one with your wife and girls.

                      Memz

                      Comment


                        #12
                        poem

                        who wrote the poem My little Pain? I think mitchell.
                        Feelin good is good enough!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          i put our situation as a mid-career employee “‘sandwiched between supporting the care demands of her husband and kid.
                          barely turned 40 yet has to keep the family’s cash flowing, my altruistic wife also has to cope with a full-time job and part time job. In this case one can excuse not being sexy and at times affectionate the physical and emotional energy is drained dealing with with tough situations. but how can someone not love such a woman.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            A little perspective as a husband to a C6/7 wife.

                            Denial is a wonderful thing...to a point. Denial in the short term and put in perspective is actually an effective coping mechanism...at least for me. She needs to get out of the house and do something with other people that are not paralyzed or associated with taking care of someone who is. I understand that you want that for her now, but she has to come to this realization on her own.

                            If I did not have my work life and the "normality" it brings, I think I could not have survived these last insane 6 years. My career work day allows me the fantasy(just a joke of a word people) of a normal life like all my other colleagues. The tacit denial of the life you guys never asked for is what the alternative activity provides. It to me, signifies the hope that a "normal" life can be at least part of my life. Of course when I walk back through that door the reality of quadriplegia becomes real again, as it should. But for those 8 hours, I become like everyone else. I is invaluable to me, and I do not think I would have stayed in the relationship without the "escape" it provides.

                            Yes, it does not give her back the life she so desperately wants, but it does provide a respite to a weary sole.

                            YOU must be OK with this of course, since this is really about you. Don't take that the wrong way. The denial is not real, she still loves you. "Escaping" the life at home does not mean anything more than a rest. Think of it like going to the movies. She just needs to feel normal again(ok all you my quad/para life IS normal...I get it, so don't get your nose bent).

                            Can I ask if your physical appearance has changed significantly?

                            In my case, my wife is completely unrecognisable to her pre injury appearance(large weight gain). Sadly, I have to admit that my physical attraction to her body is gone, but I still love her and would do anything for her. I know some will say I'm a son of a bitch and that I should still want to have sex with her, but for me, that part of our life together died in her accident, years ago. I still struggle dealing with it on a regular basis and must resign myself to being forcibly celibate. I'm sure your wife might also be struggling too. This is something you will have to deal with and talk with her about. We just try to be polite about things and imagine it is not an issue....I know, I know, very dysfunctional, but it's how we cope. LOL

                            You have to sit down together and really talk about it. Completely and insanely hard, I get it. But you need to do it....I do to.

                            You guys need each other, you've made it this far. It's always been one day at a time, now it's just harder to get to that next day. Hang in there brother...I will too. :-)

                            Comment

                            Working...
                            X