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MY Eyes Are Open And My Heart Is Breaking!

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    MY Eyes Are Open And My Heart Is Breaking!

    well havent been online in a while, but my husbands moods are back wow didnt last long, i guess its true you always hurt the ones you love the most. Hope thats true,he really can say some things to me as tho its all my fault he is hurt or something, i have a questioin, Dr told us in july after doing a test on my husband which was having lots of pain in right arm now has like a trimmer just shakes really bad, anyway test report was showing degenative changes, and told him he had to many levels of injury to do any surgerys right now has had 2 in the past 1st one wasnt good callapsed on spinalcord, 2nd surgery to decompress he has a pace maker also from weak muscles in behind heart from injury,and here we are where we hoped the day would never come! areas that hold titanium are in trouble dont know the medical terms but also has inpinchment at t1 been there for about 15 yrs when all this began leaving him incomplete at c4567 t1 inpinchment on spinalcord. they told us no surgery until he gets worse in weakness, and we know he may be a complete possibly after surgery, and any changes in bowels or kidney flow they would need to know, he has been very losse in bowels 4 wks and has soiled the bed at night before he could get to bathroom im scared because we thought it was a bug the first week the 2nd wk we thought ok overcounter med may work, 3rd wk went to local dr gave meds, but didnt work, so 4th wk now i think i need to call spine dr but he doesnt want me to, could this be the changes they are talking about he says his kidneys were fine, but im scared he wouldnt tell me. what changes do i look for. he sleeps alot and tired, doesnt want to eat but once aday, very worried he wants to set in one spot and left alone now, like he knows something, and has been very emotional and crying some, i know this is happening to him not me, but i hurt for him! try to help but i can only do so much i cant fix him, i wish i could. i know he thinks i dont know anything because its him but i feel he doesnt care what he says sometimes, dr has tried to tell him try to be aware of what is around you, but i feel we are in trouble with his injury and moods, im scared of the future and its hard to leave the house and go to work but that is my sanity sometime, of course my eyes are open and my heart is breaking for him and us but i have always done my best for us, hope he knows this, and sometimes i think it is still in there he is just in a bad place right now i know!

    peacegirl

    #2
    I'm sorry things are rough right now peacegirl. It does help to talk about it even if to clarify things to ourselves.

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      #3
      thanks, lindaT

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        #4
        Deep down he knows you care about him and only want the best for him. (((hugs))) I don't know why they seem to take it out on us but they do, and its just part of our job to take it. More (((hugs))). I hope for the best for you and him.

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          #5
          I'm so sorry for your situation. Staying connected to the CC community will help support you with our listening ear. Wish there was more that could be done.

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            #6
            hello there i can understand from where your coming from
            when injured i not only took it out on my wife but the whole world. my greatest comfort is when i meet and talk face to face with others just like me. its not advice about good deals for disability equip but advice how and what they do in daily living that i absorb.
            the internet is nice but the nothing beats the latter. do you notice that the bad moods flare up when he's bored. At work lecturing in class i forget completely about being disabled, at night and in solitude is when these demons come. funny, i don't know why but during these festive times we can be even more prone to bad moods
            so yes take this advice meet up face to face with people and caregivers who have the same problem.
            BTW i am a T11 complete.
            Last edited by peterf; 26 Dec 2011, 1:10 PM.

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              #7
              Thanks for all good conversations, really aapreciate it. i have got to get this figured out so he can feel a little better, he worrys about me for the futureto but i just work and know he is here, and im sure he has to much time to think, but that means we are alive, i know the pain will get better in time he want let me touch him much but he doesnt feel like it, i think he would rather i would just go away than for me to see him hurt, but im not going anywhereeeeee!, he will love me even more when we ajust more, i know it isnt easy, all things happen will, and god has us going threw this, none of us know what we will have to face, we all have our cross to carry and this is ours, i would do it all over, he trust me so much he says if you say im fine i'm fine, and i tell him often altho i have to know what is panic and what is not fine, i do reserve what i say thank you all so much for caring! these words i read are so kind, and very generous. it is time for me to ask his dr for help with finding resources he needs because some areas i just cant do darn it! thanks to all!


              peacegirl

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                #8
                "and its just part of our job to take it"

                Originally posted by MSWIFE1 View Post
                Deep down he knows you care about him and only want the best for him. (((hugs))) I don't know why they seem to take it out on us but they do,and its just part of our job to take it. More (((hugs))). I hope for the best for you and him.
                It's frustrating for me to see comments like this "and its just part of our job to take it".
                First of all, caring for her husband isn't her job. It's something she does either out of necessity, because she loves and respects him or both (Actually, I don't know why she takes care of her husband. My wife takes care of me out of necessity and because she loves and respects me).
                Second, a disability isn't a free pass to treat people badly. So, whether you're a wife/husband, caregiver or next-door neighbor, you have no obligation to put up with being treated badly. In fact, I think the person with the disability has a bigger obligation to make sure his/her caregiver knows they are appreciated.

                Everyone has bad moods from time to time and in relationships it is typical to hurt the ones you love. That doesn't mean it's acceptable to put up with it indefinitely.

                In my opinion, if I hire a professional caregiver it's their job to meet my needs. If you're my wife, family member or friend caring for me, you're doing me a favor. I've been a C4-5 quadriplegic for 22 years now and I greatly appreciate the sacrifices my wife and family make for me. I always thank them for their care and I make sure they know I appreciate it.

                Sometimes, in a situation like this you might have to tell it like it is. A little tough love if you will. Tell your husband how you feel. Tell him you don't appreciate the way he's treating you and that it's not acceptable. Obviously, you want him to know that you're on his side and you're there to help. I find that talking with my wife on a regular basis makes things a lot easier. If that doesn't work you guys need to get professional help.

                I've seen too many situations where the person with the disability treats their caregivers badly. In my experience good caregivers are hard to find.

                Lastly, I think your heart is in the right place. And I'm sure you do the best you can. But, you have to take care of yourself.

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                  #9
                  He doesn't have a right to treat you badly. He is suffering, but some of that suffering is a choice. he is choosing to stay miserable. A person can put up with bad treatment only so long.

                  please tell him he is invited to come and tell it like it is. Does he not use a computer?
                  I hope you did have a nice christmas anyway.

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                    #10
                    Originally posted by Enabledshooter View Post
                    It's frustrating for me to see comments like this "and its just part of our job to take it".
                    First of all, caring for her husband isn't her job. It's something she does either out of necessity, because she loves and respects him or both (Actually, I don't know why she takes care of her husband. My wife takes care of me out of necessity and because she loves and respects me).
                    Second, a disability isn't a free pass to treat people badly. So, whether you're a wife/husband, caregiver or next-door neighbor, you have no obligation to put up with being treated badly. In fact, I think the person with the disability has a bigger obligation to make sure his/her caregiver knows they are appreciated.

                    Everyone has bad moods from time to time and in relationships it is typical to hurt the ones you love. That doesn't mean it's acceptable to put up with it indefinitely.

                    In my opinion, if I hire a professional caregiver it's their job to meet my needs. If you're my wife, family member or friend caring for me, you're doing me a favor. I've been a C4-5 quadriplegic for 22 years now and I greatly appreciate the sacrifices my wife and family make for me. I always thank them for their care and I make sure they know I appreciate it.

                    Sometimes, in a situation like this you might have to tell it like it is. A little tough love if you will. Tell your husband how you feel. Tell him you don't appreciate the way he's treating you and that it's not acceptable. Obviously, you want him to know that you're on his side and you're there to help. I find that talking with my wife on a regular basis makes things a lot easier. If that doesn't work you guys need to get professional help.

                    I've seen too many situations where the person with the disability treats their caregivers badly. In my experience good caregivers are hard to find.

                    Lastly, I think your heart is in the right place. And I'm sure you do the best you can. But, you have to take care of yourself.
                    You said it well. I was injured in 1964 (C5/C6). I had no choice but to live with this. My husband CHOSE to stay. For that I am eternally grateful. I decided early that I may live with pain and frustration, but my loved ones do not have to. That's why this forum is wonderful. We can vent here and not unload on our loved ones.
                    C5/C6

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                      #11
                      Peacegirl
                      Per the American Mental Health Association (I think that's the name), one of the primary symptoms of depression in men is irritability. Do take that into account when your husband says something cruel.
                      TM 2004 T12 incomplete

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                        #12
                        I knew when I wrote that I would be slammed by someone. I choose to take care of my husband because I love him, I cherish him, I would do anything for him. It's not me he is mad at its the disease. He has good moments and he has bad ones too! I have told him I don't appreciate being talked to or treated that way and he agrees he was wrong and shouldn't have been that way, but then there's always the next time something sets him off. It is my job to take care of him now that he can't do it himself. And it is a JOB, as many of the caregivers here will agree. There is no funding for outside help, we have been to professional counselors, etc. etc. etc. Now if he was physically abusing me it would be different. Yes I realize verbal abuse is abuse as well, but when I am dealing with a depressed person under the influence of prescription medicine and MS which effects the brain that is something I am going to get from time to time. I have learned to accept that as heartbreaking as it is, I know my husband loves me and would not treat me that way if we weren't dealing with this. This thread it not about me however.

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                          #13
                          It must be really hard to be a wife and the primary caregiver, I give you all so much credit.

                          Your post peacegirl is so gripping, it's obvious you are also afraid. I amsure he is too and it is a difficult thing to talk about. We do hurt the ones we love and maybe sometimes we don't realize how mean we may sound. We (I know I am) are still angry at our situation.

                          It is not right to put up with abuse and verbal words can be emotionally damaging, not to mention once said you can't take them back.

                          So wishing there was a reverse button for this SCI or any disease that ruins your life.
                          JeAnNE L1Burst Fracture inc. 11/5/10

                          Live Well--Laugh often

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                            #14
                            I have talked to him about coming here to talk about things, but said maybe later after somethings happen, what ever that means to him, to me its here and happening now not later, i look at him but i don't see him sometimes he is deeply depressed, i just want to know im doing everything possible for him. i know everyone here is right he shouldn't be mean all i have ever done was try to be here, and make him feel loved no matter what, seems i do need to try to take care of myself also just hard to do, i was thinking it would get better but i guess he has to want it also, may need to try that tuff love! i do realize he is depressed waiting on the other shoe to fall. I am afraid, I have tried to talk to him, even talked to drs with him but doesnt seem to last long, thanks all for advice.




                            peacegirl
                            Last edited by Peacegirl_11; 30 Dec 2011, 1:53 AM.

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