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    #1

    Caregiving mother in depression

    Hello,

    I am 25 year old Spina Bifida patient. I am single and living with my parents. My mother is my primary caregiver.

    I am sensing that she is slipping into depression for the past few months. She is highly irritable, frustrated and just pure annoying sometimes. this all basically started when my sister left the home for her job. Now there's only me and her in house whole day as my father also goes to work.

    She just keeps saying that I have ruined her life. That she hates her life and living like this. She curses me for wanting to go to the toilet at wrong hours and if I wet myself in case of an UTI. She just keeps saying that I should die soon as she is getting old and she wont be able to take care of me for long.

    I know my mom loves me very much and I try not to get affected by her words. But this is getting too much. I fear that one day she might really hurt me.
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    #2
    Your mother may be depressed as you say, but these symptoms can also be associated with early dementia. I would strongly recommend that you get her to see her physician, and that you accompany her if possible. A phone call to her physician first to tell him/her about your concerns and what is going on would also be a good idea.

    Once she has been checked out medically, if she is depressed, and is started on medication, then counseling for depression as well as family therapy would appear to be indicated.

    What does she do other than care for you? Work? Church? Friends?

    Do you require a caregiver? What can you not do for yourself? Have you looked into moving out and getting your own place (perhaps with a roommate so it is less expensive)? While you certainly are right to be concerned about her at this point, you also at the time of your life where you need to get moving out of your family home. Your mother may feel less burdened, and you can still remain in close contact and see her often, and right now you may have to actually take on the caregiver role, but you should consider this as well.

    (KLD)
    The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

    Comment

      #3
      @SCI NURSE,

      Thanks for the prompt reply. Actually, I don't think I can live on my own as I need somebody to catherize me, help me in getting in and out of toilet and shower, cook, clean, laundry etc. Being a spina bifida patient, my body is not fully developed and I am not capable of doing these things on my own.

      About my mother. From the start, she kept herself busy only in us. She doesn't have much of a company outside the family and in the past year, has become very reclusive even towards her own sisters and my father.

      Everybody is noticing this change in her. She keeps saying that nobody respects me, nobody values me. but the truth is, she demands us to obey her 100% and if anyone doesn't do that, she starts playing the victim. She becomes extremely defensive if somebody corrects her or even suggests something to her.

      I feel that this is my fault. I have ruined her life and in turn my family. Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I just end all this and rid her of all the burden.

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by Life&Roll View Post
        @SCI NURSE,

        Thanks for the prompt reply. Actually, I don't think I can live on my own as I need somebody to catherize me, help me in getting in and out of toilet and shower, cook, clean, laundry etc. Being a spina bifida patient, my body is not fully developed and I am not capable of doing these things on my own.
        This would be most unusual for someone with SB. Have you sought out therapy and rehab nursing assistance to see if you can do these things for yourself? I have had experience in the past with young people with SB who were never given the opportunity to learn these things, which they were able to do, and instead overly dependent upon a parent caregiver. We even admitted several of these patients to our inpatient rehab program, and banned their parent for 2 weeks while they learned this stuff. I would suggest you ask your physician to refer you to a clinic that could help you learn how to do these activities for yourself. A good rehab nurse, OT, and PT would be a big help to you.

        KLD
        The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

        Comment

          #5
          Life&Roll,

          Please do not hurt yourself ... the problem is within your mother, it is NOT your fault, no matter what she says. I'm very sorry you are in such a bad position, I'm sure that it must be very distressing. Good luck to you.
          Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

          Comment

            #6
            Just to echo the others, please don't hurt yourself, it's terrible that she talks to you that way. Do they have adult foster homes where your at? I know that it's easier said than done but I really do think you need to change your living situation.
            c3/c4, injured 2007

            Comment

              #7
              Take a look at petertan's story: /forum/showthread.php?t=159924
              Don - Grad Student Emeritus
              T3 ASIA A 27 years post injury

              Comment

                #8
                Caregivng is tough, but there is no excuse for treating you that way. Ever.
                Is there anyone that can help so she can leave the house for a while?

                Comment

                  #9
                  do you not have use of your hands? even someone with limited hand use can cath themselves. it doesnt take long to learn. You may consider a procedure to make peeing easier than cathing as well, like a mitrofanoff, or supra pubic catheter.

                  if you have hand use you can do laundry, cooking, cleaning, and personal care. even limited use of your hands can allow these things. Im wondering at what level you are affected. do you use a power chair or manual chair? do you have an accessable bathroom? and why is it you dont feel you can live on your own. I think it may be because you were not given the chance to learn how to be more independant, and have been told you cant care for yourself.

                  This is a great place to learn all kinds of pointers on adaptive tools and techniques.
                  and just for shits and giggles, how bout you look at a movie called Rory Oshea was here. its about two people in a care home who want their own place. true it is a movie, but not at all far out of reality as far as being on your own and how one gimpy guy inspired another to get out and live independantly of institutionalised care.

                  welcome to care cure. Im sorry about your mom, and how things have grown to be, but this may be a tiny blessing to you in the long run. you may be surprised at how well you can do on your own, and how happy you can be in the future.

                  good luck, be brave, and know that you are not alone in your new adventures.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Sounds like you have the mom from Carrie.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Guys,

                      Living alone is not a choice for me. My family is like super protective of me and they will never ever let me live alone. And the truth is, I am not physically strong enough to live on my own also. My health is like a roller coaster and my stamina is next to zero.

                      So, living alone is not an option.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Originally posted by Life&Roll View Post
                        Guys,

                        Living alone is not a choice for me. My family is like super protective of me and they will never ever let me live alone. And the truth is, I am not physically strong enough to live on my own also. My health is like a roller coaster and my stamina is next to zero.

                        So, living alone is not an option.
                        You do not say what state you're in or I missed it; however, are you not entitled to PCA services?

                        We all ride this roller coaster, some are buckled in better. Saying NEVER is NEVER an option. Have you contacted your local ILC?
                        Do you attend school?

                        All caregivers, even moms, require respite. Oh and stop identifying yourself as a patient. You're a beautiful young woman first and always.
                        Last edited by Liz321; 17 Jul 2011, 3:44 PM.
                        Get involved in politics as if your life depended on it, because it does. -- Justin Dart

                        I shall not tolerate ignorance or hate speech on this site.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by jody View Post
                          I think it may be because you were not given the chance to learn how to be more independant, and have been told you cant care for yourself.
                          I've witnessed this with a small percentage of SB kids as well. You CAN do it!
                          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

                          Comment

                            #14
                            I don't know anybody with Spina Bifida who is living with their parents after they have been 20 years old. I don't know anybody with SCI either or CP. Sorry I am so blunt, but I think it is in your mind that you can't live alone.
                            TH 12, 43 years post

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Not to be brutal, but someday your caregiver mother will die or be disabled herself, and not able to be your caregiver. What will you do then? It sounds like she is already on the verge (if not actually) in a serious state of mental and emotional disability, and should not be your caregiver.

                              I strongly urge you to get some counseling and help through your local ILC. Get some therapy, start exercising, and build up your strength. Make a plan to learn how to do your own care, or at least teach a non-family member caregiver to do it, and take actions to get yourself into your own home.

                              (KLD)
                              The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

                              Comment

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