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  • enabeling

    So last night our family was at dinner at a friends house. A few stairs to get in but the rest of the house is flat. I brought my husband his plate and someone else got him a glass of wine.
    Later that evening we were all talking. My husbands voice got a little frogish. When we got in the car he said to me he is totally dried out so much so that he is having difficulty talking. He said he didnt want to ask for a drink of water.
    I am so bugged! He had a glass from his wine and they have a fridge with a water service on it and a sink that was with in reach. He doesnt even think he could get it himself just sits there feeling sorry for himself because he is so thirsty and doesnt want to bug anyone to get a drink for him.
    I think this is strange???

  • #2
    Did he seem to be having a good time otherwise? Did he say if there was a reason he would not ask?
    I have asked hubby to remind the aides to trim his finger nails for over a week.
    I am perfectly capable and do it, but he is supposed to direct his care and that is one of the things he can ask for.
    I should not have to ask them to do the things HE can ask for. I supervise them about enough things. (It was a hell week with them, long story)
    There is not much he is able to do physically, but things like that he can ask them to do. He keeps forgetting.
    Sorry to make this about us, your post just came at a time when this is bugging me.


    • #3
      I don't drink a lot when I go places so I don't have to deal with the bathrooms. Possibly that was the reason?


      • #4
        Were there a lot of people at the gathering, making it difficult to maneuver? Does he do much of what he can when he is at home? Maybe he felt uncomfortable having others watching his challenged abilities. Not saying he should feel that way but he still may feel awkward being not even 3 years post. Then again if you are catering to him in the privacy of your own home then yes, I guess you are enabling him.

        Sometimes we find ourselves helping because it’s quicker and in the long run much easier. I am the disabled one but many times I find myself doing things for my elderly mother because it’s easier, quicker and in most cases less messy. Besides, she did what she had to do for me waaay back when so I guess it’s time to give back.


        • #5
          yes he was having a good time. for most of the time no one was in the kitchen. I just think he depends on me too much. He was more than capable to get some water. The bathroom thing was not an issue. He just didnt want to bother me I guess and it didnt come to his mind that he could do it himself. Its weird.


          • #6
            ???seems he maybe has some issues with?? just does, i'd have gone and got the water, or asked, people seem to honestly care, and do such things and feel good about doing so. Good luck.


            • #7
              I know that I am guilty of enabling Ryan often. It is just easier to do for him rather than clean up after when he fends for himself. It is wrong but it is life. He can get his own beverages from the fridge but half the time he will spill it trying to fill his large lidded cup. Twenty ounces or more of vitamin water or oj can go a long way. I have even had to move heavy furniture because he spilled vitamin water.

              It is a balancing act that we all have to deal with on a daily basis. I also have to tell Ryan's friends that he can do much for himself. He tends to hold out on what he can do and likes being waited on. It is so different from the small child who used to insist that he could do it himself, I just had to clean up after it then too.--eak
              Elizabeth A. Kephart, PHR
              mom/caregiver to Ryan-age 21
              Incomplete C-2 with TBI since 3/09


              • #8
                I would have said, well you silly guy, why didnt you help yourself to the water thingy on the fridge?

                Maybe he needs a water bottle hung on his chair.

                and if you invite him here to care cure, he may learn how to be independant. you can join the care givers private group, or the womans only, so you can still have support without causing offense or hurt feelings. they have a mens only too.

                My One of my Dr's recently forbade me using sharp knives, and also Im to use a sippy cup, a walker or forearm crutches instead of my trek poles ( going to have to be stubbern on that on though), no pouring boiling water, and Im to adapt my bathroom with grab bars, and such. I try but every time we move, I have to start over.
                I will comply, but am looking for ways to adapt tools or gadgets so I dont depend on others for my simple needs.

                when I cared for relatives or friends before my accident, I usually had things arranged so that water, drinks, supplys that were needed or might be needed were in a spacific place. I like dry messege boards for notes or a note pad for writing things like, ...... Your lunch in in the fridge, nuke for 3 minutes, stir, wait two minutes and eat, dont forget your at noon meds.......

                why dont you start small, like go out an putter in the yard for a couple hours, or run some erands, but leave him set up so he can help himself, and sooner than you know it, he's needing you less for silly things like a drink of water and such.

                sometimes folks dont actually realise the can do things themselves. especially if there was a period of time when they couldnt be independant. you can get used to being waited on hand and foot, so it may not have crossed his mind that he could get that drinkypoo all by himself.
                do you think maybe you did more for him because you were'nt sure what he could or couldnt do? or because its just easier to do it yourself?
                I didnt have anyone to help me with anything. I can mop a floor, vacume (not easy) , do laundry, even take out the trash, scrub a bathroom, cook, all with a chair attatched to my butt, and almost one handed. I had to get a grabber stick, and various scrub brush on a stick and other little home made tools, but If I didnt do those things, no one else would.

                some things like hooking or unhooking my bra, or opening a jar or bottle, opening a cereal box without tearing the inner bag and the lil tab at the top of the box. some buttons, or soda can I still need someone else to do.

                I would love it if my roomie would realise how much i need a hand held shower head, and electric can opener, or if he would stop putting everything way too high for me to reach, because I dont have balance to stand on a chair or step ladder, but what ya gonna do, some folks just dont get it until their in the same boat. he was for a while but once his herniated disc healed it was back to not having much of a clue. oh well. good luck retraining your guy. maybe you can get him to fold all the laundry.
                I hate folding laundry. so glad to have a dishwaser too, Oooooo, yes, he can load a dishwasher too!
                Last edited by jody; 04-04-2011, 08:13 PM.


                • #9
                  I might have pointed out that he had a couple options (get it himself or ask someone to help) and leave it at that. His dry throat is not your problem and you shouldn't let him imply that it is. Next time he will have a choice again. He may choose the dry throat and that will be his choice.