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  • Money :((

    I'm sort of curious .... how do you folks feel about families and finances. If you found yourself in a semi desperate situation and had to go searching for help from somewhere would asking family for help be at the top of your list or at the bottom??

    The thing that bothers me the most I think is the feeling of obligation it creates and then down the road resentment ..... my experience has been mostly that family and friends are quick to say ..... "if you ever need help - just ask!!!" ..... but then when you do it comes with a mess of questions and justifcation that can be very uncomfortable. I'm just wondering what other peoples experience has been in this area.

    We never had insurance when Bill got hurt so our life has been an on going struggle and every time a child leaves the nest his disability pension is reduced ... so needless to say we live pay cheque to pay cheque ... I work 2 part time jobs and we've downsized considerably but I'm afraid we're drowning in plastic ....

    How do you all manage ....... any one have any ideas to share ..... I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts ????

    Obieone
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  • #2
    Ooooh, this one is a can of potential worms;

    First, sorry that you are in need of asking this question.

    The variables involved are immense, but really come down to two.

    1. The family members interaction prior to "the loan".
    2. Can the family member comfortably afford to loan the money.

    I come from a very close family of 9 kids. We have gatherings all the time(just got back from a niece's wedding in Louisiana) and everybody gets along, even in-laws. Some of the family have done really well in life.

    There are a few family loans in place currently. Some are secured loans and others unsecured. There is no broadcasting of these, but usually makes it thru the grapevine anyway, so be prepared for others to know of it.

    If going for an unsecured loan, the lender must be prepared for the possibility that the loan terms might need to be modified, or potentially be defaulted, if the worst were to come to pass. So they must be financially stable enough to not need that money, ever.

    And of course, for family harmony, the lender must never have the idea of "Lording" the loan over the borrower.

    In our family it works out great. Only you can gauge whether or not the family dynamics are "right" for this in your family.
    "a T10, who'd Rather be ridin'; than rollin'"

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    • #3
      From The Golden Girls:

      Sophia: If you can't count on family, who the hell can you count on?

      (Blanche looks at her sister, who is seeking a kidney due to renal failure)

      Blanche: She's Italian.

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      • #4
        My folks have bailed me out more than I'd care to admit, and they are not wealthy people. I hope to be able to repay them in the somewhat near future. I also hope that if the need ever arises we can bail out our kids the same way, but at the moment we're still in debt.

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        • #5
          No advice, but (((( hugs ))))) what a terrible situation to be in.
          Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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          • #6
            Oh boy do I know that feeling. First of all, we can borrow from a sis-in-law(very careful of staying on the QT), pay her back $100. bucks a month, because other sis in law is a crap about lending money, it's always her nose outta shape if we borrow from her parents who are filthy rich, but NEVER go there as the family is so judgemental. Judgemantal, ha I've got an ongoing illness, paraplegia, and had dr perscrip last yr totaled 3800. last year. Gawd, I wanted a few bucks outta the dr, but lawyer said nope, he's too respected.
            Orangello, it's the pits, you know, all you can do is just month to month, but it's so stressfull week to week, living close to the edge. Do you have any food bank close by, it helps with a small amt just to get by.
            We've changed the way we eat, meanwhile, i've been diag, with diabetes, and a rash of other crap, gawd, gotta stop going to the doc.
            You are in my prayers, I hope it gets easier(tho the only way out seems to be the 350,000, life ins policy, on me!) it really tears at me, hope you get to an easier spot in your life.

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            • #7
              Obie-There are too many variables. My father is wealthy. To date, I have tried to borrow $200.00 from him (in 1979). I was turned down.

              I'll live under a bridge before asking them for $$. I love them, they love me, but they are self-made $$ and very controlling. They're masters of "Lording it over" the borrowers, at McDuff put it so well. I'd never do it. Dad owns 97% of a bank and we're not allowed to borrow from it, even LOL. My brothers defaulted too many times.
              Blog:
              Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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              • #8
                Obie, we have borrowed from family before. In the past, and again right after I was hurt, and my husband was out of work (don;t good things always come together)

                The second time it was offered tho, we didn;t ask, I am not sure if that made a difference or not?

                (I am assuming here "semi-desperate" means a typical home equity type loan is out of the question ..... and that "desperate" would take it to the DUH! level .....)
                T7-8 since Feb 2005

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                • #9
                  Family is always (usually) there in the hard times
                  We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
                  Ronald Reagan

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                  • #10
                    Never.

                    But do I hear fundraiser? Yes! People would understand .. Bill's length of injury, price of equipment, current state of the economy, etc.
                    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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                    • #11
                      Ouch. I feel for you.

                      If it is a loan which will allow you to somehow financially get ahead, be on more solid footing, consider going somewhere for it if: 1) you are CERTAIN you can repay it within a reasonable period of time (months not years); 2) this will not in any way change your relationship with the person or persons from whom you request the funds; 3) it will not challenge the other person's finances or create a hardship in any manner; 4) you agree to pay interest on the amount borrowed and you actually pay it each month in addition to the principle.

                      Do NOT borrow the money if: 1) this is to pay mounting credit card debt you are unable to otherwise pay; 2) you are already using plastic to pay for your day to day expenses; 3) the funds borrowed are for living expenses; 4) the money is not for a specific item or project which is easily identified as something which will significantly improve your situation or quality of life.

                      I feel for you and Bill, J.

                      Are there any choices other than family? If this is a short-term loan for a quick repair on a vehicle or the house, what about a loan from a company or bank? If this is for anything for Bill, is it possible to get funding for whatever this is from a foundation or community group?

                      I don't envy you.

                      Sending many good thoughts and positive vibes your way.

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                      • #12
                        Also check out www.modestneeds.org .... its amazing. i donate every month.
                        Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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                        • #13
                          I was thinking about this today Obieone. I wish someone would just offer to help you with no strings. Money is the most touchy thing with friends and relatives.
                          When Dave was in rehab and I was staying with him there I had no idea what was going to happen with finances. One of my cousins who I know does not have a lot sent me $20 several times and told me to buy some good food. The whole time I was there no one in his family even asked if I needed food money etc. I will never forget that.

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                          • #14
                            My father (when alive) always worried about having sufficient money to pay for attendant care for my mother...it was the reason he put off doing this for many years with much added physical and mental stress to him, in spite of our urgings.

                            He always was so concerned that he wanted to leave us an inheritence, which both of us assured him that 1) he did not owe us, and 2) we did not need. We told him that he paid to educate us so we had good careers with good income, and that was his inheritance from him to us.

                            My sister and I were finally able to convince him that he needed to spend the money from their retirement savings for this both for his health and for my mother's. We told them that if they ever got into rough financial straits (unlikely) that we both had good incomes and would help out, in addition to helping to make arrangements for a reverse mortgage if that would ever be needed.

                            Now that he is gone, we manage my mother's finances and attendant and medical needs, and yes, I often pay for groceries, repairs around the house or with the van, and other expenses. Fortunately we are able to do that, and do not begrudge doing so.

                            Many families are not in the position to do this, or don't have the relationship where they feel the obligation to do so. If family is willing and able to help out with care, respite coverage, or financially, then I don't feel that it is inappropriate to ask (or offer).

                            (KLD)
                            The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

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                            • #15
                              I am sorry. I have been there when the children get 18 and I loose the child support and money from my disability money and the children still stay at home, going on school. I have taken loans on my appartment to survieve,

                              I could never ask my mother or father for money and I have never gotten anything either. But the moment my mother got in the nursing home and my father died and I saw she alone was getting three times more than me in the month, I started to wonder why she never did help me when I was broke. But she never felt any obligation to help the children and me and I still wonder how much money she got when she was working. But when I was small, I remember she was getting money from her parents when she and my father was broke.

                              Family are strange sometimes. We don't choose them you know.
                              TH 12, 43 years post

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