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  • Help w/ Husband

    Although I am not new to this site, this is my first time posting. I am in serious need of advise.

    A little bit about myself first. I am 23 and my husband is 24 years old. We have two children together, 1 and 5. He suffered a C5/C6 fracture coming home drunk on the highway on November 18, 2007, and also two days after we eloped. This time was very hard for me, I was newly married, pregnant, and my husband was now in a wheelchair. It's crazy how life can change in the blink of an eye!

    Although I new our lives would change, I honestly thought that everything would be okay. Plus he promised me that he would never give up and that he would do his best for me and the children. I never really had any of his family's support from the begginning, but his parents did allow us to move into their living room, although there was plenty of grief about it. Due to all of the complaining by his parents, we moved out before the end of the year. We are now paying bills with my unemployment and his social security which stresses me out because I bearly have enough money every month but it's better than living with my in-laws.

    I don't know what has changed of late but he has become lazy and placent. Although he is a quad, he has feeling through out his body and I believe if he worked hard he could atleast be in a manual wheelchair. All he does is play is PS3 (video games), and only occasionally does he do things with the children. I think he uses me too much through out the day, and when I vocalize this to him he just gets mad and reminds me that he is the one in the wheelchair. If I get angry at him for calling me so much or I tell him to get it himself, he trys to destroy the house. He will knock all the dishes on the floor, try to break my computer, pin me up against the wall with his wheelchair, etc. I feel overwhelmed sometimes because he calls me for everything ontop of the children. I just want him to more independent which I now he can. (It's amazing how when he is mad at me he can put food in the microwave, get things off the floor) When I ask him to go back to therapy he just tells me that he's at where he's at and going to therapy is not going to make him walk. I try to explain to him that he doesn't necessarily need to walk but he could improve his upper body strength and get out the house. I am feeling emotionally and physically drained. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I'm scared that my only option is to leave him before I make myself sick.

    HELP! Honest advise is welcome. Is it my fault for complaining that he is not doing enough for himself? Is this a phase he is going through?

    Thank you all!!

  • #2
    sounds like you could use some help try getting a care giver. he has feeling in his hole body can he move his legs at all? also it sounds like he needs to she so one and get his issues figured out.
    Street Dreamz c.c. maryland

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    • #3
      You don't deserve that. Tell him to man up or that you'll leave.

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      • #4
        Welcome...it took me ages to post...wish I had the answers for you...stick around and believe me you will find most, if not all your answers here...try looking over posts in the caregiving forum and you will find many wives close in age and family size who are asking the same questions...

        I care for my son, he's 40 and in a few months (xmas eve) it will be 4 years. Your husbands injury is new...For us it was around year 3 that the light bulb went on...sorta like "this is life" and things started changing slowly...

        You must take care of yourself! I know, you probably have forgotten who you are and what you like, but believe me, it is soooo important! Please keep posting and if your husband is willing to come to the forum's as well, that would be great! judy

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        • #5
          Lady, such a hard spot to be in. The main problem is HIM. He needs to man up, and realize that things are what they are, and they could change, by him working harder, not playing ps3 games all the time, it could be used working out.You have very few rescources, but they need to be used on the children! They didn't ask for this, it's his fault for driving drunk.He doesn't need to be reminded of that, but it is, and the kids deserve a better dad than one that quits when the going gets tough. If nothing else, he needs to shown the kids, you never give up, never.
          Good luck to you and hope you get some help.

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          • #6
            I feel for you what a horrid position to be in. You guy's are both so young and have so many new challanges and issues to deal with.
            FIRST OF ALL DONT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU NEEDS TO BE NIPPED IN THE BUTT RIGHT NOW.
            Is he into sport ? If so get him down to watch some wheelchair rugby. See if he likes it. Get him mixing with some other guys his level who can push him to be the quad he can and should be for both you and the kids.

            Everything is so hard for the first few years. So many things to adjust to for both you guys.
            Rugby can be a way for him to fastrack getting his shit together.

            Steve C

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            • #7
              If he is pinning you with his wheelchair, I would consider that spousal abuse. You need to get help and counseling if he will not. Call your local women's shelter and ask for help. He needs to hear that you will not take this kind of emotional or physical abuse, and that if he is not willing to leave, you and the children will need to leave him. I assume you are not working because you are his only caregiver? Has he applied for caregiver support? Are you being paid to be his caregiver? How does he treat the children? If there are any concerns that he is neglecting or maltreating them, you need to call CPS too.

              I would consider giving him an ultimatum with a timeline. If he is not willing to start working out, and also looking into doing something with his life (going to school, getting a job, etc.) and changing his behavior toward you, you need to move on. He may have to go to a nursing home for a while until he gets his act together and decides that abusing those closest to him is not the way to get on with a life.

              (KLD)
              The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by LadyLaTee View Post
                Although I am not new to this site, this is my first time posting. I am in serious need of advise.
                Welcome to CC LadyLaTee ... I'm dashing off to work at the moment but I wanted to pop in and say that and also say I'm so very glad you posted .... people don't realize what a big first step that is .... I'll be back later ...

                Obieone
                ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


                " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
                Jane Siberry

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                • #9
                  You both have a lot on your plate but at the same time, if it has been working for the first two years it should only get better. I am thinking something in his life has changed his attitude, maybe something that was said. Is he doing OT & PT? I would work on getting out of the power chair, get those arms going with a manual chair and set new goals every day. It would be nice if someone else close by in a chair could stop for a visit to show what life in a chair really can be. Two years is still early, lots of frustration still there. You also need to take care of yourself and those kids, there is help out there. Don't take the guilt trip!

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                  • #10
                    Welcome.I'm sorry you need to be here but life has no promises.I'm guessing he's angry & bitter b/c of his new life but this can't continue to happen.He can screw up the rest of his life but doesn't need to take the family down too.Was he angry before this?Have you asked him to talk to you,explain his bitterness,get it out?I'd say counselingis the first place he needs to go,alone & with you.Since your kids are already affected by the injury & now his anger,they may need it as well.You need to demand help before it gets more out of control.If he can play ps all day & has done things to help himself before there's no need to babysit & meet his every wim.You're his spouse,not servant.Do you qualify for respite care?You have too much on your plate being preggo,a mother,a wife,head of the house,caregiver,slave etc.Again,counseling asap.He needs to work his aggressions from sci out before he ruins your family.

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                    • #11
                      no timelines..no ultimatums...spouses who give second chances in your situation end up dead, leaving children to be abused also...pack your shit and leave

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                      • #12
                        I agree fully with KLD and justa. He is abusing you. Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he's not capable of abusing you. Get out. If he wakes up and changes his ways, then maybe you can work it out together, but there is no working it out when he is physically abusing you. That's a terrible thing for your children to see. What will happen to him? Well, HE can figure it with his friends and/or family. That's NOT your job, so don't feel guilty. Good luck.
                        Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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                        • #13
                          How are things?You haven't posted in awhile.

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                          • #14
                            You got a lot good advice here from some very informative people. You're wearing the pants the family now and now it's up to you to lay down the law. It's something I'm sure that's going to be one of hardest things to do(like everything else isn't hard enough) but it's better to be happy and alone than married and miserable.

                            He's obviously going through depression, and it's usually around the 3yr mark that things start changing. If he can do for himself ween he's mad, then unplug the ps3, tell'm food is in the fridge and don't wait on him. You doing for him is enabling him to be that way to you.

                            Remember know what they tell you when you when you fly, take care of yourself first before helping others with you.
                            C4 incomplete since 1985

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                            • #15
                              My fiancé is a C6/7 who is able to feel his entire body as well. We are both 25, in college and I work. I know how overwhelming it is for you because i feel that way sometimes and he is fairly independent plus I don’t have two kids either, so I know that you are feeling it to. Something that we have always discussed is that if it came to the point of him needing more care and it put me over my threshold we would hire that out. It is said that the leading cause of marriage break ups is when the spouse become the caregiver. It might be worth finding other sources in order to make the marriage work. My fiancé worked hard for two and half years and got back from mid chest up. He recovered very well and now lives pretty independent and uses a manual chair. I do know that it took him about three years before the light bulb went off. He spent the first 2.5 years playing video games and not leaving the house except for therapy. He no longer goes to therapy now and I wish he would but he says there is not more he can get back. We just moved out of his parents house about two months ago where his mom did a lot of the cleaning and was helping stay organized, now that we are on our own he has had to do more of that stuff because I know he can, and I don’t feel sorry for him, so I don’t do it. I dont know if any of that helped. But I am young like you and know how hard it can be to try and do it all. I feel for you. Encourage him to go to therapy becosue he can still get important things back. My fiance always explains it to poeple when they ask why he's not trying harder to walk. "I have my hands back at least I can pick-up and hold my kids, if i had focused on walking my hands wouldnt be where they are and I would be able to play and hug my family. Which is more important being able to show my wife and kids love or walking. "

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