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Help w/ Husband

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  • #16
    Hi LadyLaTee ~ Welcome

    Sorry for your position, wish you the best.

    If you're serious, here are some suggestions:

    1. Goals, Boundaries, Consequences

    A) Goals. C5-6, he can do alot. Laundry, dishes, shopping, driving kids to school, pay bills. Have him log in here and read, read, read!

    2. Boundaries. Never will he abuse you by blocking / pinning you with his wheelchair again. Next time you're calling the police. 3 nights a week, he makes / figures out dinner. He destroys the house, he cleans the house. Sounds like a big baby. No chores, no kindness, no effort = no video games.

    3. Consequences. Either he changes himself and the situation / how he treats you or you're leaving with the kids. Give him 60 days. In the meantime plan for your departure.

    Sorry, but this guy is a loser. The fact that he would ever try to intimidate, threaten or scare you is reprehensible. The fact that his major goal in life is his next video level is pathetic. He should be worshiping you, your kids and everything that you do that allows him to live. With his level he should be close to independence, bowel, bladder, dressing, cooking, driving, shopping, etc. I'm C6, I am 100% independent, work full time, manage a household, etc. And believe me there are alot of members here who are also living independently, being productive, are helpful, loving, community members striving for everything positive in life. He has a golden opportunity here with you, kids, etc. aand he's blowing it - big time! He can do it! But if you allow him to continue his behavior without meaningful consequences he won't change. Unravel this current existence one step at a time. Choose your goals, the acceptable boundaries and the ultimate consequences you are ready to execute if there are no changes.

    Call it quad intervention. Gather your friends and family, explain the situation, enlist their help and move forward. From what you've written my guess is that you're headed for divorce and seperate lives unless drastic changes are made.

    Onward and upward,



    • #17
      I have an sci for 9 yrs, and a husband for 25. My sci is the same level as your husband's, but incomplete. Did he receive rehab? If not, it's not too late. If he can play video games, he can fold clothes and make sandwiches, read to the kids, lots o things. I was doing my laundry w/in 3 weeks of my sc, and my injury functioned as a complete sci at that point.

      So, he needs rehab to teach him independence. At the very least, he should be getting onto the short bus and going to outpatient PT and OT 3 X weekly, plus doing the maximum possible at home. He could try to push a manual chair, many ppl do at his level.

      Do you make him dress himself? Do so. If it takes all morning, oh well. Less time on the PS won't kill him. My outpatient PT/OT, post-rehab, got all upset that my husband helped me dress. They were right. It takes me 5 min. now.

      You need a caregiver. You have too much on your plate.

      He needs a come-to-Jesus meeting w/ you, w/ a counselor present.

      He needs an ultimatum, b/c you are as important as him, and nobody should ever tolerate abuse of any sort. An sci is not a Treat-Loved-Ones-Like-Shit-with-No-Consequences card!

      You might want to put the PS on top of the fridge. LOL, if wants to be one of the kids, treat him that way. Ater he folds a load of laundry and exercises for 1/2 hr, he gets it back! He's be pissed, granted, but he's infantalizing himself. Nobody gets the privileges of adulthood w/ no responsibilities.

      You need to get out of the house. Take the kids to the park, or to the $1 movies, or to visit a friend. ANYTHING. I'm sure he needs space, he also needs to realize you won't be there for him 24-7 forever.

      It's a hard road. With that much sensation he's a fool to not be fighting for more functional return. The window of opportunity will pass. Fighting doesn't guarantee success, but not fighting ensures failure. If I'd given up like that I'd kick my own ass daily, for being a punk-ass pussy and a worthless, spineless fool that doesn't deserve even the crap hand we were dealt.

      Don't hate me. You asked for advice. I've been there, and depression is a terrible thing that spoils even the limited opportunities we are granted. I got depressed bigtime at that point in my sci. The difference was, I was a mom and couldn't give up. So I got help, and therapy, and marriage counseling, plus began working out again. I have hundreds of hours of PT under my belt, and I'm glad. I travel alone, shop, live a somewhat limited life, but dammit, it IS a life. Much more than I feared I'd be left with. I was lucky to have an incomplete sci (which I suspect he has as well.) I can't credit luck with the fact that I worked like a crazy person to regain my independence. That was sheer determination, and it paid off. I couldn't live with myself, had I not at least tried.
      Last edited by betheny; 10-09-2009, 04:38 PM.
      Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?