The mistakes I made...

Have you ever been in a situation that was so screwed up that even though you wanted to tell someone about it, there was no way to tell it and have it make sense? I know one thing I have learned in the last 10 years since my parent's health really started to decline. Don't try to protect people from the truth. That is the lesson I have learned. I tried to protect my parents, because they are old and sick, and not let them know about the evilness that spews out of 2 of my sisters like puss from an infected wound. I tried to protect my parents from the truth about their own children, and now my good intentions have bitten me in the ass. I can't even explain it. I should have been honest all along. Well, I never really lied, I just "didn't tell"....I just wanted things to be peaceful.

I think that is the biggest mistake I have ever made...well, just one of the many!...Because I didn't "tell" then, the shit has hit the fan now. I think that if I was sick and old I would STILL want to know what was going on in my family. Even if it was bad. Rather than think everything was fine, and then right at the end of my life, have it ALL come spewing out because SOME of my children are selfish and evil and don't care who they hurt, as long as they get their way. I think it's wrong to protect people from the truth, but it's very hard to break out of a pattern that has been ingrained in you all your life. That's one of the dysfunctions in my family. So many things that could not be told to this person or that person to keep from hurting them....I've lived my whole life keeping secrets. [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

And get this...my evil sisters have let me know AGAIN their opinion of me...and how I don't do enough. I reminded one of them that before I married Ray, I did anything and everything I could for our parents. That no matter what needed doing, I said, "just tell me what to do, I'll do it!" (See? Right there, that was ANOTHER mistake...."TELL ME what to do"...no, way back then, even before Ray was on the scene, I SHOULD have said "THIS is what I can do. I will do THIS." But, I was single, no kids, just trying to be as helpful and generous with my time as I could be...bad mistake...even single, childless people need to set up boundaries.) My ablility to be "johnny on the spot" changed with my marriage to someone with special needs. To hate me for "not being there" to me is the same as resenting Ray. I suppose he had that wreck and ended up in the WC for the sole purpose of inconveniencing my two evil sisters. [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] But, Terri, while resenting ME, says she has the UTMOST respect for Ray, and anything she feels is directed at ME! [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] Well, Ray doesn't see it that way, and neither do I, since the reason I am not as present as I'd like to be is because we live the SCI life! I used to feel guilty for telling Ray about things they said, that involved him. I didn't want to hurt him, but I always told him anyway, because I felt he needed to know how they felt about us/me/him. That they may smile to his face and act like he's wonderful (which he is!), but behind his back, they resent his wife for taking care of him! [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] [img]/forum/images/smilies/confused.gif[/img] In our house, if you are against one of us, you are against both of us, so it really doesn't matter who their "target" is...they've shot at BOTH of us!

Anyway, the things SAID to me are the least of my worries today. The rest is too screwed up to even mention it...and I've got to figure out what to do. Thanks for listening and for being there.

Oh and ps...some of you know that when I quit associating with my 2 evil sisters my life got better. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img] Peace...... [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img] ahhhhh...it was nice! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img] The only reason all this shit has hit the fan is because a) one of the evil sisters attacked my one good sister b)I had to go into a situation to try to improve it....duh...shoulda stayed my ass at home! [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] I was worried about my parents though. Anyway that's the only reason I was around any of the evil sisters to begin with.

At least it's Friday!!!! [img]/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/img]

Thanks [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img], peace, Carol [img]/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/img]

[marco25]

Hey Carol. I'm running out the door for the anniversary weekend, but just had to say first you're a great person. You and Ray sure don't deserve this. Second, welcome to the enablers club. Sometimes I feel like its founder, president and poster child. [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] We keep those secrets, trying to keep everyone happy, and it bites us in the ass big time.

You'll hear more from me later. Hang in my friend. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Kendell]

Hey Carol. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I spent the better part of the last decade - until 2002 when both my parents died- trying to take care of them and my life partner who had plenty of health crises of her own. Trust me, it didn't work. Everyone got the short end of the stick. [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] I also had two sisters. One was simply too ill to be able to help and died not long into my cging for my parents, the other ,however, was a schizophrenic, drug addicted, lying, manipulative con with the hygiene and house-cleaning habits of a rabid weasel. She made life exceedingly difficult. [img]/forum/images/smilies/mad.gif[/img] There was no help to be had from them.

Not the same road as it sounds like you've been down, but I do understand that if you spread yourself too thin that everyone loses - including you. Not healthy. Nor are there any easy answers to any of the situations that can come up with caring for two ailing parents when the family situation is - shall we say- less than ideal. Acknowledging you have limitations to your time and energy is great - and disassociating from people - family or not - who are not respecting you is great - and setting boundaries in general is great. As hard as so many of us try to be Superwoman,it just doesn't work. I wish you well dealing with a really difficult situation.

[Shabu]

I sure needed this. I can't believe this was the first post I opened today.

All my life, as a small child, I ran interference for my family to keep everyone happy. My dad was cheating on my mom with a family member and she was living in our home for a brief period of time. I slept on the sofa. Every night I would lie awake and wait for him to try to go to her room and then move so he couldn't go. I have done this same kind of protecting all my life.

I have one brother who has seen my mom 5 minutes in 8 years since my dad died. I hire someone to live with her, down the road from me, and I care for my quad husband. Even when $$$ was tight or non existant I never denied mom or my husband anything they wanted or needed- thus making some poor financial decisions. I NEVER told either of them NO. Now I am paying desperately for it. Part of the truth is out and I will just pack the rest until I have to deal with it. Maybe this is wrong, but after seeing the repurcussions of the partial confession I will take my chances. The one thing that is fact, I took excellent care of my father before he died, have done the same with my mother and my husband WITHOUT any of them.

Thanks you guys! [img]/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/img] Why is it so comforting to know other people have been there? God, it should just make me sad that anyone has any REASON to understand! And it does! [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] I guess it's not the comfort of knowing someone has been through similar, but just knowing someone understands. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img] And unfortunately, lots of times, that's the only way someone really understands. Many may sympathize and that is great and comforting too, but when someone has walked through the same kind of fire, they understand your burns!

The thing that got all this started is a loooooong story. My good sister, myself and my niece are working on a plan to correct things. To make them better for my mother. The evil sister's unkind treatment of my mother is what set the "fan" running last night. We are working on not letting her take mother away from home anymore. I cannot work with the two evil sisters. I've tried. It did not work. So I backed away. Now, my sweet little Mama is in jeopardy and so I must come out of the cave again. I can work with my good sister and my niece. We can fix this. Wish me luck! I may need it. Thanks again! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

And Martha I know the anniversary party is going to be a big success! Let us know!! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

Shabu, you have been there for sure! [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] You know, I think that is so awful in families for little children to grow up having to be protectors. Children should not have a care in the world! Time enough for that when we are grown. [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] I always thought I had a normal childhood because I KNEW I was loved, but looking back, I wonder how I am not crazier than I am! [img]/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif[/img] My mama was always my "safe place". I guess SHE made things as normal as possible in a chaotic world. Damn, she had it rough! Now it's time for me to be HER safe place and it's gonna be hard to juggle, but I've got to try. At least I have one wonderful sister and a wonderful niece to back me up! You have had to go it all alone! [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] hug!! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Kendell]

Really glad you have some "non-evil" backup to help you with your mom. Tis a heavy load to carry all alone - I wish you well. I don't know what all challenges you are facing, but another source of references for caregiving can be found on the message board at ec.-online.net. Sorry I don't remember the exact addy, but typing that into Google should get you the link easy-peasy. Take care.

[Obieone]

It's amazing to me that just when I think I'm finally at the point of having the breakdown I so rightfully deserve I come to CC and find someone else struggling with worries so much greater than my own ...... I'm sorry for your struggle Carol .... more than anything I wish I had the power to fix everything for everyone here ......(its the wine talking [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]) - today I myself had someone try to "counsel me on my life" - when she hasn't got a hot clue about what its really like out here in the real world [img]/forum/images/smilies/mad.gif[/img] .... ordinarily I let that stuff roll off my back but this was my boss [img]/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif[/img] ... not a good situation and I feel like I've hit an all time low !! Carol ... all I can do for you at this moment in time is send you a little itty bit of the white light and say a prayer for strength for us all that we can face this .... this ....LIFE [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]!!

I really care alot about you guys .... stay strong !!!

Obieone [img]/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/img]

[Shabu]

Thanks for the nice responses. What a day. We received a 3 day notice from the company my husband retired from they are doing away with our medical insurance IN THREE DAYS and his life insurance. They have agreed to a prescription program but only if you are eligible for medicare. Good for him, not for me.

I had a physical yesterday for an insurance policy I am taking out to leave to my husband or for his care should I croak. The nurse was shocked that my blood pressure was 120/68. Especially with the things I handle. I had to laugh, I am so layed back I can hardly get out of my own way. I just practice. I can't be perfect housekeeper anymore. I live in the boonies and have to drive 60 miles round trip to buy an enema to give my mom after all of my other methods failed.

I do have the support of my children. They live in WA and I in Texas. But they call me, email me, love me-.

I am just chattering now, but do appreciate having you guys here today to give me a cyberhug.

[lilsister]

X-do you mean to say that life is supposed to make sense? That people are supposed to get along, especially family? WTF?
SHABU-insurance? It's a mockery-designed to infuriate, disavow, enrage, confuse and outwait us. I feel confident that I will drown in the paperwork.
Obie-See that thin thread hangin' down there over to your left? Don't just grab it, yank the sucker!
Now, let's all be good and take a toke....doesn't that feel better? What if the Hocky-Pockey IS what it's all about?

[betheny]

Lilsis..."What if the hokey-pokey is what it's all about?" LMAO...ROFL...thanks.

Can I use that as my signature for a while?

X, are you a middle child? Because middle kids do that, I'm It in my family. They'll eat you alive, girl.

I don't think I'd try to shelter my parents. They're probably thinking wtf, all the tension they can feel and nobody telling them anything. I doubt it would shock them to find that their kids don't get along. They're old, not babies...deserving of respect and confidence imo. I know your intentions are pure, trying to protect them, but I wouldn't. As far as trying to protect your mom from the Bad Seed (let's call her BS) and any sort of physical jeopardy, by all means I would do that. If she is mentally competent, I think I would explain to my mother what I was doing and why. Rest assured, BS is filling her ear with all the bad things you've ever done since birth.

This advice is wisdom born of having my ass bitten repeatedly for trying to do the right thing.

The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions!!!

C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000

[lilsister]

Sure Beth, take and use away, my husband saw it on a bumper sticker, and I loved it. The Hokey-Pokey, as good as any other answer.

i have lots i'd like to say but i burned my hand tonight and am not talented enough to type well, with 1 hand, at least not the lengthy posts i like to make! [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

so for now i will just say you guys are great! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

(note to self: when picking up hot casserole dish lid, use pot holder! [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img])

Originally posted by Shabu:
I had to laugh, I am so layed back I can hardly get out of my own way. I just practice. I can't be perfect housekeeper anymore.

Shabu, were you born with this quality or is it something you taught yourself? This is what I would like to be. I am much more calm than I used to be. I used to run everywhere I went, like a little kid. I learned that if I slowed down, I got a lot more done. STILL, I am not THERE yet. How do you do it? As for the housework, I'm accepting that too. I can't be perfect and I can't afford help (also I'd be too embarrassed for someone TO help during the times I need help most! [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]). But, where do you find your laid-backness? You have way more to do than I.

And I'm sorry about the insurance. [img]/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] What a bummer.

Originally posted by lilsister:

X-do you mean to say that life is supposed to make sense? That people are supposed to get along, especially family? WTF?
Now, let's all be good and take a toke....doesn't that feel better? What if the Hocky-Pockey IS what it's all about?

lilsister, I think that is one of my problems. I try to make sense of things and people that just DON'T make sense. This weekend, trying to solve some of the problems in my nutty family, I've had to really work on this. Instead of being the straight talking person I like to think I am, I've had to resort to "The when in Rome" theory! [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] To get what is best for my mom (not letting my psycho sister take her to her home anymore) I've had to behave like these "Romans"...manipulate, cajole, feign concern for the welfare and fair treatment of these two evil sisters I could care LESS about! Trying to just lay it on the line..."this is not good for Mama"...does not work. What you said.."do you mean life is supposed to make sense?"..makes PERFECT sense to me. As long as I can remember the logical and normal approach is not going to always work, I think I can move mountains here. Wow, it's exhausting though. [img]/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif[/img]

As for the toke...I'm ready...I need it...roll 'er up!! [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]