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    please help -- i need some advice

    Hello everyone
    My husband is a quad and things arent going very well for us. I am beyond exhausted. I am so angry towards him right now because he doesnt do anything for himself besides lying in his bed. He hasnt gotten up for months. He refuses to get help. We constantly fight. I told him the other night that if things dont change i think we should seperate. His responds was that he doesnt care. He blames everything on me. He constantly puts me down and embarrases me infront of my family and friends. He even accuses me of cheating on him. When we first met we had so much fun. Even though he was living in a rehab at the time we made things work. He was so out going, funny and such a sweat guy to be around. I fell inlove with him instantly and it didnt matter that he was in a chair. Now i just want to run away and hide. I really dont know what i should do. I am so tired of his nasty comments. We tried counseling a couple of years ago but it didnt work. I dont want to give up on him but i really dont know what else to do. How do i get through to him. I am still inlove with him. He is breaking my heart. Please if anyone has any ideas please let me know. Thanks for listening.

    #2
    My heart really goes out to you. My husband is also a quad. How long has yours been injured? Is he on antidepressants? Do you have any outside help? Do you work outside the home?

    My husbands depression the first two years was almost more than I could handle. I have been called foul names, spat on, screamed at. I was very patient. Did mention to him that he was lucky he was already on his ass the day he spat on me. I had to set some boundries for ME. I will not take abuse!!!!

    It sounds as though you are not the problem. While we take the attack personally, it really isn't. Am sure you have heard this before but you need to take care of yourself, physically and mentally.

    I just read your post to my husband and asked if he could offer some support. He said, what can your husband do? Mine is 100% dependent. I had to learn to stop trying to FIX him. I was so tired and discouraged that I could barely drag myself around a room. I aged 20 years in 2.

    I too love my little sweetheart. He is short, bearded and bald. Beautiful eyes. My friend. We met before his injury and we hiked, danced, very active. I will say he has never once suggested that I would be unfaithful to him. I remember a conversation once where he told me he wouldn't blame me.

    How old is your husband?

    I am always available to talk to or email. Sometimes that is all we have to make it through the day.

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      #3
      This is what I would do: Hire agency or family help and take a 3 week vacation! Sometimes you need to step away so you can both either make changes or further assess the situation.

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        #4
        Jammer, I hope you know that I did'nt say that in a flippant way, more in a caring way. Because from your information it sounds like he has given up and is willing to take you down also. I guess I think that sometimes tough love and self-preservation is in order. Maybe a mediator would help, a professional.

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          #5
          I agree. It sounds like he needs a little tough love. Either hire an attendant and take a vacation, or tell him you will have to place him in a nursing home while you take a break and decide what you want to do. He may need an ultimatum like this. Don't let him use your love for him as blackmail to continue to take his abuse of you and himself.

          (KLD)
          The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

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            #6
            How long have you two been married? Are you sci/chair user also? You said you tried a marriage counselor a few years ago and that you two use to have fun but it has since changed...how long has it been since your relationship changed? What do you think changed your relationship or why has he changed so much then? To me when a relationship that once was such an opposite of what it is now, it is more than just all the little things that have building up...so I am going to be nosey and basically ask the above. Just trying to help.
            "I want to make a difference! However small it may be~ as long as it's a positive one, then this is what my life will have been about and I will go knowing I did my best.~ T.

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              #7
              We have been together now for approx 6 1/2 years and no I do not have a sci. Things started changing a couple of years ago. He no longer is taking any medications. I think he has changed so much because he just stopped doing things for himself. He used to draw and write peoms. He used to love getting out of bed and doing things for himself. Now that has all changed. I explained to him tonight that I am so unhappy and if things dont change between us I want him to leave. We talked and talked and he has agreed to go into physical therapy and talk to his doctor about going back on the pill. I also agreed that i will try not to be so nasty towards him and have more patients. I am feeling a little bit better but i really dont want to get my hopes up. I guess i can only take one day at a time and hope for the best. I truely do love him with all my heart. I hope that we make it. Thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciate it very much. Take care. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

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                #8
                Jammer, if he still refuses to go for counseling, you should go for yourself. You need someone you can share your feelings with and who can help you sort out your conflicting feelings over this relationship. He may agree to go with you later if you can get him to follow up on the items you noted he has currently agreed to.

                (KLD)
                The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

                Comment


                  #9
                  So it wasn't stopping a medication or something else that changed things between you, he just stopped living the life you fell in love with. No set backs that brought about his not caring anymore, even revolving around you. That must be hard and I don't know what to say. Hmmm. So what does he blame specifically on you then? Is there a friendship he has become envious of for whatever reasons? I agree to try counseling again, alone and also with him, and for him to seek it alone too. Anger and insecurities feed off of one another, I hope you both try to be as honest as you can with a third party than you can with yourself and one another~ this will help you individually and/or as a couple. Respecting oneself plays a major part in being able to show respect for your partner, it shows you truly care. I hope he starts to show you that he really does. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]
                  "I want to make a difference! However small it may be~ as long as it's a positive one, then this is what my life will have been about and I will go knowing I did my best.~ T.

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                    #10
                    How are things going Jammer?

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                      #11
                      Hello everyone
                      as of right now everything is ok.... he cant start therapy until after his kidney stones are removed... hopefully that will be taken care of within the next couple of weeks. He tells me that he really thinks by getting out of the house his spirits will increase. I really hope that this is a start... we started to get into an argument the other night and he stopped. I think he realized that he was doing it again. Thanks for all the great advice and support.
                      take care.

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                        #12
                        Jammer, I replied to your post in R&S before I read this one. More details have been added to the picture. You and Shabu are going through a lot of what I went through. I was a faithful, devoted wife and caregiver who was crazy about my husband. But the verbal and emotional abuse was slowly killing me. We spent thousands on therapy but things actually got worse in many ways. Like a stubborn bulldog with a bone, I was NOT going to let this marriage end. It took the intervention of family, counselors, ministers, and others to finally pry that bone out of my mouth. Under the circumstances, best thing that could have happened to me, but it was terrifying at first.

                        Separation may be necessary. You need to get away from that environment to gain another perspective on your life and to heal. You're hurting. Talk to friends, a counselor, post here--you've got a lot of support and people who understand.

                        God bless you. Please keep us posted.

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                          #13
                          Jammer: Glad to read that things are better now than a few days ago. I wonder if your husband will start feeling better after his kidney stones are removed.

                          Best wishes, and keep us informed.

                          PN
                          The test of success is not what you do when you are on top. Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom
                          --General George Patton

                          Complex problems need to be solved collectively.
                          ––Paul Nussbaum
                          usc87.blogspot.com

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