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Am I being selfish?

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    Too bad we don't all live near each other. We could start our own home repair, remodeling, landscaping, tree trimming, etc. business! I spent two weekends ago hanging gutter (thought about that 25' down to the concrete too) and fun stuff like that. Sounds like between us we've got about all of the "trades" covered!



      Dear Ladies,

      As a woman with a SCI I know the first thing that will fail a relationship is being the lover/caregiver. Who wants to make love to someone after you just cleaned up a load of crap?

      You need respite and fast. Tell your hubbies you need time for you! Get him a home-health aide a few hours a day.

      Best of luck to you all.


        re: trading places

        I check this topic every day because I posted it. I am so glad that my feelings are considered normal. I wear so many hats I can't do justice to any of them. It would be great if we could all meet at the pool wouldn't it. As far as doing" man things"one of you gals wrote that you're using the tools that hardly ever got used in the first place before sci!!! In our case he did use them a few times.But golf always came first then exhaustion . My favorite tool is the Dewalt Drill. I love attaching all those diffrent Sockets and going to town around here. Of course my husband coaches me on the how and the what.I just wish I had the time to shave my legs without being in a rush. And whoever mentioned how hard it is to be a lover to a man you just "disimpacted" is so right!!!! I really need to get away. But air fares don't come cheap. I have a grandson ( the only one 7 granddaughters after that)who is going to Homecoming Dance in 3 weeks in the Chicago area. How I would love to see him off!!! He was our "first " and is our boy!!! I do thank God for all these wonderful little angels. They soften the blow of this SCI.Thanks for the support!! Fran [img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]


          projects and relax time

          Just wanted to agree with some of posts:
          *yes, we can do all trades between all of us, forming a crew might be a good idea, the only thing is, we get things done when we "feel like it"
          *yes, we need some rest in between doing all the caregiving stuff. Hire somebody for a few hours, take time off, go shopping, lay in your backround pool for hours without being disturbed, or just go to dinner with a friend. I find all of this relaxing. And definetely find some time to shave your legs without being rushed...(I hate the cuts).
          *or just find some time and money to travel and see your grandson's graduation party or visit family or friend.
          *and most important: make love to your spouse without being turned off...



            Thanks for the laugh

            Thank you all for the funny stuff about Trading Spaces. I love that show!! Not because I have a secret desire to use power tools, to be honest, but I just like to whole room "make-over" thing. Thank you for the supportive words, too. Kate, my kids are 8 and 20 months. They are such a gift!! I am very fortunate that my husband has a very positive outlook. It really makes a big difference. Marmalady, we live pretty close to one another. I live in Franklin Park and work in Raritan. By the way, It's Carolyn... (That is sometimes my problem, I forget that I am more than a mom and more than a woman whose husband has a huge challenge. I am Carolyn [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

            [This message was edited by Jeff on Sep 16, 2002 at 03:25 PM.]


              i havent been a member of this site but a month or so but im c-5,6 quad. post injury 18 yrs. i wish there would have been something like this when i had my accident. It could have helped my situation. my wife wanted to do everything and wouldn't accept any help from anyone. As a result, I became accustomed to just her doing my care. I wish when i was in rehab they would have mentioned that the spouse shouldn't be the primary caregiver. I also wish that i would have known better than to let her do all my care. when id mention getting outside help she wouldn't have anything to do with it. After about a yr and 1/2 she burnt out and felt that her only option was to leave. I understand both the role of caregivers and the person with the injury. I'd sure do things differently if i could go back. oh well. I know this was an old post but thought id say that i can relate to this.


                Thanks for the post, and your insights, Isuquadie. I so wish hospitals/rehab centers would include in-depth counseling for family members about the 'risks' of caregiving. Perhaps tragedies like yours could be avoided, or at least minimized.

                Welcome to the site and to our family!

                Tough times don't last - tough people do.


                  I normaly dont reply here but this is too good to pass on. I am T-10 so I do almost everything I did before except the obvious(ladders, lawnmowers, although I did start trimming one day). Anyhow, one saturday night last summer I heard a chain saw in my yard! My wife had enough of my pear tree and was taking revenge. Now, my wife is about 5'4" 120lbs, and not too handy with powertools let alone a chainsaw. Needless to say it came down, with the fence, the swings, part of the neighbors yard stuff. Now she is talking about putting in a patio........... I'm scared [img]/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif[/img]

                  T-10 complete
                  "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO' what a ride!"


                    I have taken great comfort from these posts.Lately my husband has not been sleeping thru the night and I feel like a hamster on a wheel- work all day, up all night and trying to calm him down.Sometimes I feel so evil, because all I think about is how bad I feel and eyeing up the nyquil bottle.I miss the emotional support he used to give me before the accident. I miss someone asking me about my day and how I feel. As soon as I get in the door he starts demanding things without even a hello- he had me so spoiled with his attentiveness before the accident and now everything is on my shoulders and I don't even get to nap when he naps because I have cleaning,bills,800 phone calls to medicaid and so forth.
                    I'm sorry to post such a lot of bitching, but I think I'm going to snap soon- I feel so guilty about my feelings- he has had problems with narcotics in the past and I have to be so vigilant about his meds that I always feel like the bad guy.


                      Pat~You crack me up! Tell your wife I said, "You go, girl!" [img]/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/img]
                      "God warns us not to love any earthly thing above Himself, and yet He sets in a mother's heart such a fierce passion for her babes that I do not comprehend how He can test us so."
                      ~Geraldine Brooks, "Year of Wonders"

                      "Be kind...for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."
                      ~Philo of Alexandria


                        I have a close friend who I was her caregiver until my accident. I was her first. and was paid by jewish attendant care. it was a social worker who told her husband to apply for attendant care after she fell out of her chair and waited four hours for him to come home only to find she had a broken vertabra. she didnt want to bother anyone. he was at the end of his rope. at first she hired family members. and me her cleaning lady. though now none of here attendants are related. she did have to sit on a waiting list, but, it has been a wonderful thing for her and her familys stress issues.


                          Thanks for reviving this thread Jody ..... six years old and the issues are still the same .... it brought a tear to my eye seeing the old names on the posts .... I pray everyone is well and life has been good to them !!

                          ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

                          " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
                          Jane Siberry


                            Hi Fran,
                            I haven't read everyone else's responses to your question, but I do not in the least feel like you are wrong for feeling a certain amount of resentment. IF your husband had been a different type of man, meaning there with you instead of mostly on the golf course, then I think you might have a different take on the whole situation, but under the circumstances I don't know how you could help but feel resentful. I am a quad, but there is one thing you wrote about that I would like to address. While it may be faster for you to run and get him what he needs, it is not necessary to do so if he can do it himself. It will only worsen the feelings of resentment if he doesn't do the things he CAN do for himself, and realistically, if I was to use the excuse that someone else should do thing for me because they would be faster at it than I am I would never do anything. Not a good enough excuse for him to be allowing you to wait on him, in my opinion. I live alone, now in a condo, but for a great many years in my own house. I had to pay for the grass mowing and the snow shovelling, so if you can afford to pay for it that should not be part of the things you are doing. You need to take some time for yourself or the whole situation will implode. He can certainly be left alone for a few hours, even if he whines about it. Go to a movie, take yourself shopping or to a spa, whatever.....but take some time for you and do NOT feel guilty about it. Good luck.


                              Duh.......I didn't notice the age of this post when I responded.......feel a bit stupid, but hoping my words help someone in the here and now....


                                I didn't know this post was so old either but glad it came back around! I can totally relate to what everyone is feeling. Taking over the man-chores was so overwhelming and each time, I realized that I am all alone and I need to become more independent. I feel I give SO much and there's nothing he can really do to help physically.

                                I feel pitiful for myself at times, but I also know that I have learned SO MUCH. There's always good and bad... take it for what it is and make the most of it. I still go on weekend vacations and go out with the girls on some nights - my bf is 9 mos post sci. He really tries.. but sometimes its not enough. He is as frustrated and disappointed as often as I feel depressed and overwhelmed. It's a hard life but we are the drivers of our destiny.. I guess I'll have to ponder that on another post.