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    #16
    Espousal thank you for articulating so well those feelings we all share! I was feeling guilty for having some feeling of relief when my husband finally went into the hospital as a result of complications that arose after a very major surgery in the Spring of last year! I was tired and spent from having kept him home probably longer than I should have! It was a good decision as its turned out he is recovering very well and we (the family left at home) have had a chance to recover as well. Guilt is emotionally and physically draining and needs to be managed very carefully!!

    Aren't we fortunate to have "the Santuary" to come to and share these thoughts! [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

    Be well all!
    Obie

    P.S. I went back and counted the number of times I used the word "feeling" in that post [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] ... many! Maybe we should call this the "Feelings Santuary"... [img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

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      #17
      Espousal, I feel so much guilt whenever I think about doing something that Joe can no longer do. I would love to start running again, but I don't know if I could do it. We used to do that together, I guess I feel I would betraying him. I know that I need to do things for myself, I just don't know how to take that first step. It is so nice not to have Joe depressed, he actually is happy some days, I don't want to set that back. But I also have the resentment and anger that I no longer have a life of my own. IT's not just Joe, it's also the kids (6 of them)and trying to keep it all together. I am also an oncology nurse. I feel like I give so much of myself to others throughout the day that there is nothing left for me.

      HOw have some of you overcome the guilt? Was your spouse angry with you for soing things they can no longer do? That is my biggest fear.........
      Stacey.

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        #18
        Originally posted by Stacey:

        I would love to start running again, but I don't know if I could do it. We used to do that together, I guess I feel I would be betraying him.

        How have some of you overcome the guilt? Was your spouse angry with you for doing things they can no longer do?
        Stacey and Espousal (and everyone else who might be thinking through these kinds of questions)--

        I'm only a little ways beyond you; Bruce got hurt 3 years ago this Sunday. There are still some things that I avoid that I used to do with him --the sauna is the best example. It was our place to go and be quiet together, or talk, or rub each other's feet, or have the fight we needed to have.

        In the years before the accident, we went there together a LOT, like, a couple of times a week.

        It took me more than a year to go back alone. Partly it was guilt, but mostly I just didn't want to be reminded so hard of what I'd lost. I think that picking up any piece of my old life is painful . . . because if I'm doing it alone, it's not the same.

        I'm lucky, because Bruce has never, ever been resentful or rude about this stuff. He assumes I have a right to be happy, and he expects me to do what I need to do to get there. I want the same for him . . . but I can't enjoy the sauna in the old way, and I don't much go there anymore.

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          #19
          Stacey, it sure sounds like you have your hands full! At first I felt wierd also with doing physical things with my brother. But life must go on and I felt that maybe I would be accussed of coddling him, so I just started doing things. For gardening it was 'just to keep me company and get some vit d-and then ask him to hand me something or opinion on something. Also just told he had to be my escort at a street dance/concert cause I was afraid to go alone, and after a beer we just started dancing. At the gym, he gets therapy while I use the treadmill and machines-then he coaches me on the freeweights. I think he likes bein' the coach. And when I feel the need to get away for a few hours now I just say that, and he has never objected or 'made' me feel guilty. I'll usually provide an entertainment for him. Maybe one of your children could spend some quality time with him while you get out? Next time you are due a gift like b-day, mother's day, etc, try asking for a time out like a massage, concert, bookstore visit, museum visit, some thing that's for you and away from home. I guess it finally dawned on me that he probably wants some alone time as much as I did.

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            #20
            For Stacey, and all our newer members - I've bumped up this topic, "On Caring from a caregiver', as it is one of the true jewls of this forum, written by one of our first members here.

            _____________
            If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa
            _____________

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              #21
              I think lilsis makes an excellent point re the sci's person possibly needing time alone. I still require it. Also, if my family doesn't do any of the things they want which I can't participate in, that makes ME feel guilty. I really hate guilt, it's a unproductive emotion. I would much rather be home alone than feeling guilty in a room of people who aren't having fun because I can't. Stacey, I'm so glad he's coming out from under that cloud. I had been wondering...the thing is, you weren't responsible for the cloud. You didn't give it to him and you didn't take it away. I echo Marmalady and lilsis here, you must take care of yourself. Especially with all those kids! Not to mention an emotionally draining job which not many people could do. Don't martyr yourself to his sci, please. I think we, the sci people, fight like demons trying not to. I sure don't want the people I love to have to. Good luck, girl. Please take care of yourself.

              C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000
              Blog:
              Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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                #22
                You are all so great, I really miss this place. I guess what I need to do is talk to Joe about how he feels about me soing things he can no longer do. I feel like I tiptoe areound so much trying not to upset him. It's hard because we always did everything together, we were best friends. Doing these things alone now, just aren't the same. I do need to get into running again, I have gained 40 pounds since his accident! With my family history of cardiac disease, I can't afford it!
                Some ggod news, I have a pregnant maltese puppy. She should be due in 3 weeks. Every time I look at her I feel guilty, the poor baby. I have ever let her have the spot on the bed between Joe and I.
                Thanks for all the advice. I have taken care of everyone all my life, it's hard to stop. I will keep trying though, I so desperately want to be happy again.
                Stacey

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