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    Depressed AF

    I am depressed AF.

    I haven't been this depressed in decades. I've had various injuries that have had me in lay in bed, with either my legs elevated and or my stomach, for 12 of the last 18 months. I honestly feel like I'm in solitary confinement. When I'm in bed due to injury, I can't leave for more than an hour so I've had very little human contact at those times.

    When I'm alone, I often think about suicide daily. 'Thankfully', I can't do it because I'm so close to my family. Oddly enough, this makes things worse because I feel like I'm in a tortured state; I want to commit suicide but I can't because of the emotional devastation I'd leave in my absence so I'm stuck.

    I spontaneously cry during the day when I'm alone. I've been crying since I started writing this.

    My parents came to keep me company while my brother is on vacation which was really nice of them but I've dietary restrictions and they don't pay attention to them leading me to have IBS symptoms which makes the depression worse. My mom asked if she could stay with me today while my dad went to visit his parents and I said no. She didn't understand why I wanted to be alone. I don't want to be alone but having my parents around, mom or dad, frustrates me A LOT.

    I don't want to do when I'm alone. I've lost so many friends because I can't be around to be a friend to them. I literally have 2 friends and both are busy; one is now living with her boyfriend and has been very busy and the other lives 400 km away, works for the government and has 2 kids so he's also very busy.

    I know I'm not alone. What can I do?? Please help me.
    Never Give Up!

    #2
    Your profile indicates that you teach English. Do you still teach?

    Comment


      #3
      Right there with ya. Going on at least 16 months now. I take Celexa but it has obviously ceased working for me. I have an active infection but have been avoiding the hospital because I know what I'll ask for.

      I confided in my sister that I was going to ask for physician assisted suicide and the everyone went nuts. Haven't seen them for 3yrs; more before that. Still haven't and this was a month ago. pffft

      Other than that I have a doctor appointment with my regular guy on the 5th whom I've not seen for two years.

      I can't even cry or express any emotion I'm so 'paralyzed.'

      I obviously need to find something to do .. but difficult to do when you're wounded all the time.
      Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

      T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by lynnifer View Post
        Right there with ya. Going on at least 16 months now. I take Celexa but it has obviously ceased working for me. I have an active infection but have been avoiding the hospital because I know what I'll ask for.

        I confided in my sister that I was going to ask for physician assisted suicide and the everyone went nuts. Haven't seen them for 3yrs; more before that. Still haven't and this was a month ago. pffft

        Other than that I have a doctor appointment with my regular guy on the 5th whom I've not seen for two years.

        I can't even cry or express any emotion I'm so 'paralyzed.'

        I obviously need to find something to do .. but difficult to do when you're wounded all the time.
        I’m sorry to hear about your wound issue. Wounds suck!! I’m surprised science has advanced enough to repair damaged skin tissue faster. Maybe it has come a long way and I just don’t know.

        If you don’t mind me asking, what would ask for at the hospital if you went?

        I need a companion or a roommate. I know that would pretty well solve my loneliness. Finding someone that understands or willing to work with I have physically is another story.

        I’m off to bed. I’m exhausted today. Goodnight Lynnifer.
        Never Give Up!

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by TheAbleChef View Post

          If you don’t mind me asking, what would ask for at the hospital if you went?
          Oh I researched it - physician assisted suicide - legal in Canada. Don't got to a Catholic hospital - lol. Verbal request if approved by one doctor must be approved by a second and your request must be in handwriting. There's a wait period of 10-15 days and then you get your prescription - I imagine it's some sort or drink.

          Only two done locally. An ER physician up in London two hours away has done 40 within the first year. I reached out but didn't hear back from him.

          Be thankful for your family man - this shit is much harder without one.
          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

          Comment


            #6
            I so hear you. I know compared to many I have it great being just a para. My husband and i had a strained relationship prior to my accident. Our big issue was a was a very independent woman. Was that way growing up, being raised by a single mom who Was emotional, physically and verbally abusive. She had told me often that i was too damn independent and some days that would be good and on others it would be bad.
            I have been married 35years, 30 when I had my accident. All he really wanted to do was take care of me and at the time I did not need/want help. Then my accident and I needed so much help. He was unemployed at the time so he was my full time caretaker. I was only in the hospital/rehab for 6 weeks. Not quite long enough but is was really important for my adult children that I was home for my birthday.
            I had always been the one who took care of all the home details inside and out. I still do most of the hardwood, I can mow with my outdoor chair but it put incredible stress on my shoulder from a prior accident. I own my own flower shop and just celebrated 22 years in business. It is physically and mentally exhausting and am not sure how long I can continue or how long I want to. So incredibly short staffed right now. So I am doing more. Needing to be there more hours, I try to keep It to about 10 hours a day, but have gone up to 15 hours.
            My life is so boring ,I find so little joy in. I got in a fight with My husband today and simply told him I hate my job and my life and I do not see any purpose in my life to keep living. My 2 boys are now married and have their live. So I am not needed, yes I know I am wanted. But that is not enough for me. Sex has become a non issue. He can't/won't have sex with me, but goes to his computer for his release.
            I know there is another thread about when is enough, enough. Life is such a struggle each day, the pain I have in my hips never goes away. I grew up in such an abusive family. While going to therapy for 7 years I had started to write about it. Had the title set From broomstick to flowers, my journey to survive. I had tried cutting my wrists twice, couldn't go deeper. The second attempt I was cutting with some rust cans and broken glass. Then it came to me she wasnt worth dying for. Now the thought circles through my mind as to end this sanity. Don't know what I will do. Just hitting these low points more offer. I am on meds for my bipolar depression.

            Comment


              #7
              I am so sorry to read these posts. What we have to go through is unbearable at times. I have no answers for any of you. No one can, especially people that have not gone through it. I can only say I love you and am sorry not only that you have to go through this, but that you are in such a dark place right now.
              I am a C 4 quadriplegic.. I have had to go through three months of straight bed rest twice following osteomyelitis surgery. I didn't think it would ever end. Going through longer than that, or any of our crappy dealings just ssuck. I am on IV antibiotics for another infection, and discovered an open sore under my scrotum this morning. I am not trying to play the crappy game, only making sure you know I'm not somebody doing great trying to blow sunshine up your asses.
              Just wanted to send a little love. Hang in there as best you can.
              www.symbolofstrength.com

              Comment


                #8
                I've been doing bed rest for 4 1/2 years now. I used to be depressed but now I just feel emotionally numb. I can't even make myself cry anymore. I laugh and tell jokes when my family and caregivers are with me but when I'm alone I'm nothing. Unless I read or hear something on the news that pisses me off... then I cuss and rant for a few minutes and return to numb. The skin on my butt is paper-thin and tears easily and my bladder leaks incessantly through the SP stoma. I'm afraid that I will never get back up because even if my butt heals and I get my bladder leakage fixed, I still have the problem of my stepdad being to ill from COPD and other ailments to help me get up daily. My morning caregiver is 72 and the day that I got in my chair, to get my broken bed replaced, he was exhausted. Unless I win the lottery so that I could hire extra help, being back in my chair seems like a pipedream. Perhaps if I had a better view out my windows, it wouldn't be so bad but power lines and houses just don't do much for the imagination. The only things that keep me sane are my TV, my music and my laptop. :-/

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thank you for confiding your innermost feelings. Ask your friends to spend some time with you, even if not very often. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you can't spend some time weekly or every other week with a friend. Or if she is tht busy can you skype?
                  Reach out to your friend(s) and tell them. Members of your family also.
                  Do you have any hobbies or can you start a hobby?
                  CWO
                  The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Scott-
                    It feels like I've known and liked you a long time. I'm sorry and frustrated at your situation- frustrated because, while internet communication is real, I am still not a 'real' friend who could visit. Even if I knew where you lived- which is likely too far!

                    Here is a view of my town. There is a camera full time watching from the Tramway stop up the mountain. It's Palm Springs. Like most views out the window, not much happens, yet there is a certain serenity if you expand it to full screen.

                    https://www.pstramway.com/about-us/tram-cam/

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Thanks Tetra, I Private Messaged you.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        When I was on apparlyzed I got bitched at for complaining about some thing. I was told to be glad you are only a par not quad and to stop posting your small problems. Some one else posted it did not really matterwhat level we were at. This life changing event is most likely the worst thing to happen in our life. I spend more of time here just reading.
                        Last edited by Lavender lady; 30 Oct 2018, 9:02 AM.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Tetracyclone View Post
                          Scott-
                          It feels like I've known and liked you a long time. I'm sorry and frustrated at your situation- frustrated because, while internet communication is real, I am still not a 'real' friend who could visit. Even if I knew where you lived- which is likely too far!

                          Here is a view of my town. There is a camera full time watching from the Tramway stop up the mountain. It's Palm Springs. Like most views out the window, not much happens, yet there is a certain serenity if you expand it to full screen.

                          https://www.pstramway.com/about-us/tram-cam/
                          Tetra, I didn't know that you were in Palm Springs, we spent a few days on vacation there the year before my accident.

                          As I posted in another thread I've now got all the legal and medical systems sorted so that I can choose when/where and who with to exit. The method has to follow protocol, I'll be sedated the night before, they will check that I am unresponsive and next day turn off my vent. I can breathe for short periods so the point at which I go is down to my body, it could be minutes it could be hours. Having the knowledge that I can end it whenever I choose has brought a lot of relief. I now go from day to day, don't have long term plans and don't worry about how I will cope as I age. It has helped me cope far better than I did thinking that I had no control. It hasn't changed how I feel about life just gives me an out when I want it, nothing can replace what I miss from my old life nor can I find anything I can enjoy from this one.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Scott, and everyone else really.. I just can't believe how tough you have it. The things that you and we have to go through don't even seem possible.. Scott you seem to have the worst nightmare situation.

                            This is no solution, I would not even attempt to say it is a solution. It is something I am looking into for myself, and thought maybe it would work for you or any of us. It is now getting colder in Michigan where I live and I will be unable to handle going outside for about the next seven months. Very much stinks. So getting back to my thought, is anyone out there tried virtual reality goggles. I know they are expensive but the oculus ggo commercials look pretty cool. It might allow me or us to see different parts of the world even though we can get there. I think the oculus ones are $250. Very expensive, but I am contemplating it, because I am tired of the view outside of my window!
                            Scott and everyone else, you're in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how I get through it some days.. Therefore with some of your situations being worse than mine,, I really don't know how you make it. I love you all, and can only say that even though I don't really know you I consider you my friends in battle!
                            www.symbolofstrength.com

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Obviously, there are no substitutes for one-on-one contact -- being in the same room with the folk(s) as you're interacting.

                              But, what about "virtual meetups"? E.g., GoToMeeting allows people to video conference (not just one-on-one) in real time. It also gives a friendlier means of communicating -- speech instead of keystrokes.

                              I'm not a "social media" person so I don't know if there are more common mechanisms like this, available (GoToMeeting is a "service").

                              https://www.gotomeeting.com/b

                              OTOH, perhaps the folks who administer this site could consider hosting a similar service for the exclusive use of this forum? (I would have to do some research to see if there is any freely available software to facilitate this)

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